More mourning

How do you explain death to a child?  She does understand heaven to some extent.  She told me the sun sets and goes to heaven when it’s wake up time it comes back.  I tried to explain about the sun staying in its place and blah blah blah, but I could tell, she didn’t get it.

My grandfather is very sick.  He has been sick only once before as long as I have known him.  Despite and smoking and the beer he’s always been well.  He was physically active in his garden and with his dogs.  He caught this from my uncle, who was so sick he felt like he was going to die.

He has a lung infection, by the way.  He ran out of oxygen last night and the paramedics came and fed him more oxygen.  He does not want guests because he doesn’t want them to get sick.  I have a feeling, though that he doesn’t want us to see him so weak.

I get a sinking feeling every time the phone rings.  I do not want him to die.

But, he is not the man he used to be.  To be honest, the grandfather I want back was five years ago.  He wasn’t wheezing, he’d pick fruit and peppers and wash them off and give them to us.  He and  my husband would do it together.

I still miss my grandma too.  She died four years ago at Thanksgiving time, but again, to be honest, I wanted the grandma of ten years ago, who never cleaned, who cooked very well, and who wore horendious clothes without a hint of irony.  I didn’t want the grandma suffering from chemo and riding around in a wheelchair most of the time.  She was young until she got sick, and over night she was old.

I’m going to stay with my dad for a while, in case my grandpa gets better and wants to see us.  Or in case he dies.  I put my funeral clothes at the door for my husband to bring if the unthinkable happens.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”  Revelation.


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