” No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently.” – Agnes DeMille
My four year old daughter stumbled upon my old journal. You might remember I worked with developmentally disabled high schoolers for four years of my life. I loved it; I hated it; I would do it all over again; I will never forget it.
I openned the journal to this page: “I may work at a school for autistic people – people with autism. Tomorrow I will go and see how it works. I’m looking forward to it. I may hate it, or I may find a whole new direction in my life. Ah, but God is good.”
Are there so many things recorded in the journal that record the big changes in my life that seem inconsequential at the time? Giving money to my friends to bring over their son from Eastern Europe changed my friendship with his mom forever.
I went to L.A. to try to become a professional actress. I left resolved to do something else, I didn’t know what. I was there a week. I auditioned for a dozen conservatories and agents and saw a number of plays. That wasn’t the issue. It was something that happened on the beach. My friends, L and S were living in Los Angeles and they met me at my hotel. We ate; we drank a little bit but not enough to get stupid. We went to the beach. It was the most love and peace I had felt in a very long time. I was getting what I longed for among my good friends. I didn’t need to act.
It was years before I realized I could get what I needed from acting in writing. I loved acting but didn’t love the rejection and hate that came from my fellow thespians. With writing I don’t need to please anyone or live up to their standards to be able to do it the way you do in theatre. I can write as badly as I want to and no one can tell me to stop. Or they can tell me to stop and I don’t have to listen.
The Bible says not to neglect the gift that’s within you. I don’t know if that was theatre and I rejected the blessing that could have come to me, but I suspect that it is not. Writing for the sake of writing is important to me and I do hope some day it can be part of our livelihood. Now is not that time though. To be fair I haven’t tried lately; it’s not that time, but I am believing it will come.