“My kids deserve better than me”

This is based on a post I wrote for Gentle Christian Mothers. Although my friend is exceptional, some of the things she wrote are typical to the women on this board, and probably not atypical of the women I know in real life; They’re just too scared to share their issues.

“I am not being a good mom to my children, they deserve better”.

My friend told us that “I’m constantly letting God down.” I’m sorry, but this is an impossible thing to do. What matters to Him is that you love Him. He expects you to “fall short” Romans says “For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” That includes you too, and it includes me. No one in the world should expect you to be perfect, it’s anti-Biblical and unreasonable. My old psychologist used to tell me I only had to be a “good enough” mom, not a great mom, and not a perfect mom. A perfect mom is not necessarily a great mom. She sets up unreasonable expectations for her children and is probably secretly exhausted all the time.

It’s true that your son has been through a lot. My daughter has too, what with her mama being hospitalized twice – she was able to visit and nurse but it wasn’t the same. She cried and cried for me and I hope it doesn’t leave any really deep scars. However, if it does, I know those scars are less terrible than a mama with homicidal feelings or suicidal feelings. I needed to get well to be a “good-enough” mom. I’m mostly well now, and my daughter is in love with me. That makes me happy.

I suggested to her that she has a chemical issue going on. She is on anti-depressants but frequently forgets them. I’m on the same one and it has been fantastic for me – including allowing me to be outgoing and make more friends (I may have had Social Anxiety Disorder – and I used to be shy – so shy that when the pastor asked us to greet each other I would go hide in the bathroom until it was over)

As far as the “infertility” here (although she can have children she is strongly advised against it, just like me. As you know I am in the same position (I talk a lot about it here) I only have one child and swore my whole life I would never have an only child. It hurt so much the first couple years that I couldn’t be around pregnant women, once went in to the bathroom and sobbed for, like, 20 minutes when a friend announced her unintended pregnancy. It felt like my sadness would never, ever end. That wasn’t true. It lingers but is no where near the misery I had.

Being 25 and pregnant has got to be difficult, especially with no real support. Is it possible for you to get a hold of a group leader (the women’s group, if they have one) and tell her your concerns? I’m 33 and my best friend here (we just moved 1 1/2 years ago) is a young 62. We trade clothes, she has offered to babysit, etc. At my old church many of my friends were in their fifties, and dh is 44. Almost all of our friends were financially better off than we are. At one point, even now, our finances are tight but they appear to not notice or not care. It’s hard when YOU care, though. I can get that.


2 responses to ““My kids deserve better than me”

  • Sam

    I was just down on myself recently for not being the Dad, I think I’m supposed to be. Thanks for writing this. My counselor advised me to remember that God trusts me! That blew away my defenses and self-blame. Anyway its good to be back at your blog. Been preoccupied with all the adjustments in life over here!

  • Sam

    I’ve felt that so much lately.

    Reminding me that God expects us all to fall short is better. I think that when i fail, i am mostly letting myself down and that’s what has been hurting me lately.

    And perhaps having older friends is a good idea. I do tend to get along better with them, but when it comes to inviting people to come over and hang out, i chicken out.

    How do you even meet people at church? With the younger crowd, i can usually open up by saying something nice about their kids, but people without kids…hmmm. I don’t even know where to begin.

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