More on not having more

We can’t, can’t, can’t have more babies. I am able to, theoretically, however, My last pregnancy meant vomiting for eight months, up to three times a day. This was before my diagnosis with a major psychiatric illness or three.

To have another baby I would have to go off all of those meds. (I take, like, 11 pills a day.) This would mean multiple hospital stays lest I kill myself and others.

Then who knows what I would do to the baby..

Since I first saw the quiverful life style and read the literature, I’ve been fascinated by the quiverful philosophies and lives. It seemed to me to be in direct opposition to the world’s ideas about children and family life. I wanted that sort of dependence and trust in God.

I pray more and more and think about it more and more and am convinced that my quiver is full.

There is a hunter that makes the point, “Speed doesn’t kill a dear, one well placed arrow does.”

There is a malakoa that makes the point it took only one stone for David to slay Goliath. It may mean that is what my daughter is…. one, well placed stone.

There is scriptural support for many lifestyles…. however, there is no place, as I understand, that says to have as many children as you possibly can.

We went from being strongly urged not to have more to told explicitly it was a very bad idea to do so. We prayed. We settled on our decision. It’s sad to me, but not all the places God takes us are supposed to make us happy. He loves me too much to spoil me with everything I want all the time…. I am praying how to carve joy out of this situation, and I think the way I’ve been able to share my path with others is one way He’s going about it.

I can’t compare my lives with women who have “real” infertility – the barren womb, my early miscarriage is nothing compared to a late term loss, let alone the death of a child… I do, however, know more than a little bit about disappointment with life, relationships and dreams. The barren womb, the loneliness, the feeling of being overwhelmed. Do you? Would you chose?

Right now the greatest joy of my life comes from my family – but tied for second is ministering to those who are struggling, or disgruntled (funny word) with life – and writing. Am I helping you? Do you think it’s worth it?

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2 responses to “More on not having more

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