“but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”- Isaiah 40:31
How many people are tired here? Raise your hands – (I whisper quiet the number of raised hands and I find none. Everyone else has the good sense to be asleep at 11 o’clock at night).
I am pretty tired and earlier today I felt like breaking. I had actually felt like that over the last few days. I dealt with it by eating everything I possibly could and spending all the money I was allowed to. (After my last bipolar induced buying spree my credit cards were taken and I’ve only been allowed to carry a certain amount of cash. That certain amount of cash goes a long way on dollar menus.) But I digress.
I wanted to write a devotion before I left for my dad’s house. I am probably headed over there tomorrow for about 24 hours of rest and relaxation. He’ll be at work. They have a pool. I can order a pizza and snack on it throughout the day. Heavenly.
In the meantime, though, I thought I’d write a blog. Nothing too “spiritual” is on my mind so I thought I’d click on biblegateway.com and use Today’s Verse as a writing prompt.
Could any other verse be more perfect? Those who wait on the Lord…. I have a confession that I probably already confessed…. (I went from Mommy Brain to Psychotropic medication brain). When I’m being treated for mental health issues I lay off my devotional times. I drop off my Bible reading. I pray less. I do these things because of all of the spiritual abuse that can take place in classes and of the “preoccupation of religious pursuits” I saw in my friends from the hospital. I want God in my life and all over it, but I do not want some bastardization of Him, all over and around marring Him. I want God. I don’t want a God my illness has shaped. I want a real God.
A verse like the one above reminds me who the real God is. He us to hope in Him. I believe, even though I don’t spend a lot of structured time with Him, that my hope still is in Him. I’m restraining myself from false Gods – and in this distance I created I have the hope that He will still sustain me and bless me. He loves to hear me pray, but these are the times, I believe, when the Holy Spirit prays for me with groans words can’t express.
I need my strength renewed. I’m up late, too late for me. Two caffeinated beverages are my limit and I had an iced coffee and two diet cokes. I don’t know if I’ll ever sleep again. But wait! This verse promises that He will renew my strength! I’ll just hang around, hope in Him and wait for my strength to be renewed.
Do you think that’s what this verse says? I am in great need of renewal now. I’m taking these classes that I’ve already told you about and things keep coming up. I know it’s the reason I’ve been eating so much. I imagine it’s the reason I’ve been so fidgety with my hands. I am excited about going back to school, but still, that is potentially stressful. All of this is wearing me out.
But if the Lord renews me, I will be able to return, soaring, walking, running. I will be covered in hope, the thing with feathers.
I really need this kind of renewing right now. I need to sleep. I need to be with Him. I need. I need. I need.
And renewal begins with hope. What I need is hope. Hope. Hope.
I’ll let you know how it goes.