When will it be worth it to me?

I am not sure when it will be worth it to me. I’m tall, but fat. Not humongus, but my legs do rub against each other when I wear shorts, I have a double chin and people whisper I need a “fat blaster” when they think I’m not listening. Okay, so the last part isn’t true, but lately, when sit down my belly settles comfortably on my lap. I have the worst kind of fat, belly fat, which screws up all my organs and is difficult to hide.
How did I get so big? Well, part of it is due to psychotropic meds. Several of them cause weight gain, so I can blame it on that, to some extent. I could also tell you at the program before last I rewarded myself with a hot fudge sundae every single time I attended class as a reward for my hard work. My last DBT classes reward of choice was milkshakes. Oh God, they are so good.
A side note: I have no hatred towards overweight folks. My mom has been obese my whole life and I love her very much. I have friends who are large who tell me that they’d love to wear my size. I think that’s a very nice compliment. Usually when they say that, it is the first time I notice they are overweight. I just don’t care that much about it. This blog is not about fat hatred or fat acceptance, it’s about me! So, relax a little and enjoy the ride if you can.
So, anyway, I know how to feel my best. I start the day with eggs, eat all the veggies I possibly can, meats and fats like avocados, olive oils, even mayo. I need less sleep, I have more energy , I function at a much higher level. I went on this diet for about three weeks in prep for my brother’s wedding, knowing full well I was going to cheat all weekend long. I thought it would be finea nd I’d be able to hop right on the wagon.
I was wrong.
So tonight as I write to you, I have eaten almost an entire container of “Mission to Marzipan” Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. I ate several bowls of chips. I ate chocolate. I ate most of a whole big plate of Mexican food. I feel lethargic. I should! I feel like I deserve it.
I do exercise. I ran today and did 300 jumps on a jump rope. I exercised yesterday and the day before, but if I don’t get a hold on my diet, nothing is going to change. I know that. I know how to do it.
I checked out a fitness magazine from the library. I already knew most of the info in it. It’s not that I don’t know what to do or get started – I just can’t maintain it. I tried and the longest I’ve lasted is until 1 pm. After that, instead of thinking of it as a road block, I just quit. Not the words of a fighter.
Sugar makes my moods shoot up and down. That and white flour type stuff. It’s sooooo good, but it makes me feel so bad. I know what to do to feel good, but for some reason, I don’t do it. I prefer the sensation of ice cream on my tongue and mouth and even in my heart to long lasting health and ultimately happiness. I want to be like my husband’s Uncle Cliff, 90 years, still walking by himself, eating real food and able to hear when others speak. I know what that path looks like, but I’m not willing to take the risk andd hop on it. It’s a lot of work. It’s deprivation, it’s boring, it’s just another thing on my long list of things to do about my health. Really: I have a child to care for, a house to clean, a classroom to volunteer in, books and devotionals to write, and a marriage to maintain. I have a major psychiatric illness to manage and two minor ones. I don’t want to add more things to my busy schedule. But here’s the problem with that…. I know all those things are easier if I am taking care of myself. I have more energy, need less sleep and handle the ups and downs better.
But still. My ice cream is finished. I feel the belly sitting on my thighs. And I ask myself, “How am I going to blow it tomorrow?”


One response to “When will it be worth it to me?

  • organiquegal

    I could never go sugar free until my SIL put me on this cleanse and told me to take 12-15 g of chlorella per day (I take 4 g 3x a day). Google it. I’m in awe what a difference it has made. I haven’t been able to go sugar free for more than maybe a couple days in YEARS. I just finished a week with zero sugar. And only 1 craving when I was having a particularly rough detox day and went shopping when I was hungry. DUMB.

    Anyways, just wanted to share my discovery cause it’s like a miracle!

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