I was fine before

In just about every behavioral health hospital or center or whatever. (You may like to call it Looney Tunes but I don’t really like that name.) I’ve heard someone day they do better without medications, or they were fine before they had to go see a therapist. They said they know more about themselves than any doctor, psychologist, therapist, etc, every could.

I don’t think so. Memories are all a form of nostalgia, especially for people who chronic illness. I remembered things as being tough, but not that tough. There was a time in my life that I got worse and worse. They were practically prying my mouth open to fill it with pills. I walked around like a zombie, and everyone could tell. I was so doped up I actually drooled some times. My brain was inching a log every thought. My husband especially was not happy with the ways things were going. He didn’t want me to be like this, I was so slow I shuffled around.

Things were bad.

I stayed like this for about five months before I met an excellent psychiatrist who was able to help me out. She gave me a drug called cogentin. It helped with the side effects and I was mostly back to normal. Everyone was happy to have the old Malakoa back, most of all, me.

I know it’s not the easiest part of the illnesses, nothing about finding a way to treat it is good.. First thing, you have to accept that you are sick. Second thing, that you will always be a part of managing your illness, although you need a good psychiatrist, psychologist and it doesn’t help to have supportive friends or family on your side. (This is the only one I don’t 100% adhere to. It would be best to have friends and family as supportive, but if you don’t you can still get well, it might just take you a little longer.) Third, you are not better before than you are now. You made a suicide attempt. That’s why you’re in the hospital or in out-patient care. You wouldn’t have done that if the booze, or the bud or the porn was working. You had an elaborate suicide plan, you had constant flashing thoughts of harm and damage and evil. You weren’t doing so well before. That is why you need a care team. You cannot get well if you do not have one. You are not going to get better unless you let your team in on the most personal part of you, even more private than anything sexual, I think, it your brain. You have to open it up to get well.

Things will go up and down and that’s okay too, although they are tiresome and troublesome. Mood charts help. If you catch your self slipping you can get to the doctor right away. It’s not necessary for you to hit rock bottom if you’re starting to slide. Knowing yourself helps too. I just got back from the library and checked out nearly the 20 book minimum in two sections. While I enjoyed doing it and think I will really like the books, as I was trying to pack them up in my car and I realized – um – this whole aquiring things is a bad sign. That means getting rid of my credit and atm cards, staying away from webpages that sell things I think I might want and realize when I think all the handsome men at Target are checking me out and want to buy me a popcorn and soda, that they never looked at me at all in the first place.

Sigh. I don’t know where I’m headed right now. It may be a downward spiral, or it may not. Since I consider myself moderately manic right now, I’ve got to figure out how to come down from that. I will not be drinking caffeine for a while. I will sleep as much as I can and take very hot baths. I might call my psychiatrist if I think things are worse or if I have suicidal thoughts. I might try and double up on therapy sessions. I may ask my husband to hide my pills and to deliver them to me one at a time.

It is okay to do all that. Those precautions might be embarassing, but they are far better than a week at the hospital, or para-suicidal behavior, or even death. I am getting to it, treating it (I believe the tream treats; God heals) and praying that things will get better. I know they will because I’m getting good treatment now. And I will keep trying to fight it to get better.

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