Yes, I’m having ‘intrusive thoughts’.

For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, God bless you. Maybe you’ve never had them, or maybe you have them and don’t know what to call them. They’re unwanted, unwelcoming suicidal or even homicidal thoughts. And I’ve been having them for three days.

I’ve been a bad girl all month, spending $300 on a new hobby and hiding it. Letting a cashier ring me up wrong by lying about the price. Eating like, you guess it, a bridge troll, and lastly, avoiding exercise the best I can.

The doctor was super worried and wanted me to go the “Behavioral Health Facility” (I know many of you are entertained by names like “The Wacky Ward”. I’m not, but it doesn’t offend me.) I was not going to go, it makes my life too complicated. She called me four times today, trying to get a hold of me, twice on my cell and twice on my home line. The exercise from the night before helped a lot, but I need to get on top of it and do it everyday like I preach to you to do.

I’m not a hypocrite, I’m a sinner. I do terrible things and cop to them some of the time of my own volition, others have to be dragged out of me and in the end I feel so guilty I confess. It would be just as easy to not do it, but those of you with mental illness know that it’s not an option. You have to eat a pound of milk chocolate at one sitting. You have to tell the governor the solutions to the schools in California. You have to touch the hem of his garment.

All this to say, I’ve been banished from the computer for a while because I stay up too late. I’ll be on during the day, but probably won’t be able to give you the time and attention I want to, and that I believe some of us need.

Please think of me, pray with me, even call me during this time. Being isolated is not a good thing for me.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.

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2 responses to “Yes, I’m having ‘intrusive thoughts’.

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