I made a small mistake yesterday that I keep biting my fingernails over (not really.) My dad asked if I needed anything to play with my new toy. I asked for some cardstock, but what I really needed was a thinner type of paper. Now I have this huge box of cardstock and it’s going to dull my cutting blade.
I keep beating myself up for it. It’s a horrible pain. I keep ruminating about the type of paper I could have had and how beautiful it would have been. I wonder how much of it I would have been given. I think about all the cool things I’ve done with it. It’s almost like unrequited love… I’ll never know what could have been.
This sort of melodramatic thinking is a part of bipolar, isn’t it? I mean, it isn’t right – I’m just obsessive. Oh yeah, I’m obsessive compulsive. This paper stuff is haunting me. I still cannot believe I made such a foolish, albeit small mistake.
Because it’s three in the morning, I went to a website with the symptoms of bipolar. Quite honestly, such sites embarrass me. They make me feel like people are talking about me while I’m right there, as if I wasn’t there. The manic symptoms are the worst:
- Agitation or irritation
- Elevated mood
- Increased energy
- Lack of self-control
- Racing thoughts
- Inflated self-esteem (delusions of grandeur, false beliefs in special abilities)
- Little need for sleep
- Over-involvement in activities
- Poor temper control
- Reckless behavior
- Binge eating, drinking, and/or drug use
- Impaired judgment
- Sexual promiscuity
- Spending sprees
Tendency to be easily distracted
The one that got me here is the “delusions of grandeur.” Do I believe I have special talents that I don’t really have? I think I deluded myself in to thinking I could act for many, many years. Are there other things in my life that I think I’m fantastic at, that I am barely squeaking by?
Wouldn’t a loving friend tell me?
In many ways, religion encourages bipolar illness. I’m not saying God encourages it, but many folks want to the be ones “sold out” for God. (Is that phrase even in the Bible?) This is a hard thing to do if you’ve got school, or if you’re running a family or a large company. Or a small company. But it’s not so tough if you’ve got yourself a major psychiatric illness. Obsession is often a welcome part of my walk. Those times I’ll read and read the Bible, Christian books and magazines. I’ll pray until I’m breathless, astonished at the beauty of a line of ants. I’ll think of the time in seventh grade my friend and I killed hundreds of ants for fun. Then I will be very sad. I’ll remember the painful times that came after that. Then a leaf lined in gold will catch my eye. I’ll wish I could worship idols.
When I’m not in an episode I still have religious experiences, but it’s not the same. Spending time in the Bible and in prayer lead me further in faith and in forgiveness. Sometimes things rise to the surface but It’s easier to let it go. Forgiveness comes in to my heart and I can welcome it. I understand the freedom of having a heart unencumbered by that weight.
Heb 12:15 “Be careful that no one is deprived of the grace of God and that no root of bitterness should begin to grow and make trouble; this can poison a whole community.”
This sort of verse is startling for me, Mrs Mood Disorder. When I’m distressed it’s very difficult not to meditate on the wrongs in the world and in my life. There are tons of verses about forgiveness, but most of them don’t really apply to my situation. Things are over. I’ve prayed and repented. But those aren’t the things in my life that plague me. Bitterness grows towards me and I’m not quite sure how to fight against it.