Once, long ago, I was passionately in love, or at least I thought I was, with this boy, “G”. It was as very ugly situation. He had a girlfriend and he wanted to “have his cake and eat it too” to use his own words. We spent a whole day making out while he was still with her. For a long time I described that as the worst thing I ever did to anyone. He had to chose between us and he chose her. about a year later they broke up and almost immediately he asked to marry me. I said, “when?” He said, “whenever you’re comfortable” He asked me repeatedly and I said “no” over and over. Eventually I broke up with him and he had a nervous breakdown and moved to Alaska. I’ve heard he lives in Fresno now and is married without children.
here is my problem. after I just met him he asked me if I “got what I wanted for Christmas.” It struck me as a juvenile question and it still weirds me out. I told him that I didn’t like Christmas presents because my parents used them instead of love. I think I meant that at the time, even though now I can see it wasn’t true. It must have been very difficult for them to deal with a bipolar child, not yet diagnosed. I begged my mom for counseling and repeatedly she told me I didn’t need it. Because of the pressure that comes from the holidays I must have been a terror and extremely difficult to placate. But that’s a different story.
When I asked him what he wanted he said, “I want my friends to be happy.” This, I think, is what ed me off so much. It is hopelessly co-dependent, for one. It’s also a fake sort of altruism. He doesn’t want material things, he just wants us all walking around like Stepford.
Anyway, his voice, the telephone humming in the back ground, all of this I can’t get out of my head. I’ve gotten over hating this guy, I honestly don’t care about him or his life. But I cannot get his stupid question out of my head. Why would be act like that? What is it about him that made me want him so much. Was it his looks? I thought he was gorgeous and put up a lot because of that. He wasn’t stupid but he, I believe, deliberately flunked out of UC Santa Barbara and then City College. He’s a paramedic now. I truly wish him well, but I can’t get this out of my head.
Maybe I’ll be able to forgive him after I write all of this. I hope so. I don’t want that man to interfere with another Christmas.
“”Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”