Don’t know about how I feel.

My computer is making me type in a very tiny font, so there might be all kinds of misspellings, etc.  Bear with me, this shouldn’t take long.

I have a dear friend named, “V”.  She is married to a great guy, that I knew way before she came along.  I am glad they are together.

She told me once that she didn’t play around on Facebook so much because it wasn’t honoring to her husband.  I agreed with her, she sounded reasonable.  But I didn’t stop going what I was doing.

I wasn’t chasing after random men, but, if on a whim I thought of someone I would type in his name or ask some “friend” of mine if they were in touch.  No harm done, right?

But!!!  Imagine my alarm at a picture my ex-roommate had of me and an-ex and a dog.  There wasn’t any alarm, actually.  I thought hew was a lot plainer than I remembered.  He was a nice guy, but was cheap and didn’t think I was pretty or cute or whatever.  We dated just under a year.  Imagine what that does to a girl’s self-esteem.  Yeah.  Anyway, back to the picture.  I made a quick comment and then forgot about it completely.

Until today.  My family, like any good middle class family, went to Sears to get our portraits.  It’s what my mom wanted for Christmas.  We took them, things were fine.  I’m still thinking that my roots were pretty dark, but, hey my face is my fortune (that’s why I’m totally broke).   I tried to share them with friends at Gentle Christian Mothers and had quite a tough time.  I wound up having to make a webpage through shutterfly.  (The address is top secret.  I want to maintain at least some of my family’s privacy.)  It was easy to share through GCM, and it asked me if I wanted to see other pictures in my album.  I thought, “hey, why not?”

Well, one good reason why to is that Facebook automatically adds pictures one posts comments on to your own album.  That means for the last months anyone who wanted to, say, catch a glimpse of my baby also saw this ex-boyfriend.  Urgh.  Not such a good feeling.

It’s funny how a little thing like that can set me off kilter.

Proverbs 31 says, “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.”

Once my husband signed a card to me with these verses.  This was a long time ago and I don’t know if he could do it now.  I feel in a lot of cases I’ve become a worse wife.  I care less about pleasing him on a day to day basis.  I demanded things more frequently.  I drank a lot more, but a whole lot of those drinks were poured for me by him.

I have made an enormous effort not to do harm to him, but this is where my bipolar takes over.  I’ll get so frustrated I’ll nip at him like a Chihuahua puppy.  I’ll do a lot of things I’m not proud of.  He wants to help me be temperate, keep to a schedule and I want to make rice crispie squares and eat them before they get solid in the tray.  Not a good idea.  They taste better as squares.

I am still learning how respect works.  It’s not a big ticket item in this church, although I do see it in relationships.  When I’m sick is when I feel the most entitled.  When I’m well I’m often embarrassed but I don’t get ashamed by it.  It’s kind of out of my control.  I’m a larger form of Danica, the NASCAR driver, trying to play in a redneck’s sport with my Susuki XL-7.  I’m never going to win.  But tell me that when I’ll elevated.

He is on the couch, asleep, and my baby is tucked in too.  She used to have those footer jammies, but she got too big for them and we cut out the bottom.s of all her pajamas like that.  See!  We are rednecks.

That’s all for today.  I promise to focus more on the Bible and pray more to the Holy Spirit, so we might mutually encourage each other.


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