It still hurts

It had been months, maybe even a year without a word about it.  She came up to me, out of no where so it seems, and said, “I want a brother or sister.”
What did I say?  I reminded her that she had a little sister, a blond haired dolly that always wore pink/magenta shoes.  She went to Sunday school, the grocery store and was learning basic skills.  She was her sister and she didn’t need another one.

For whatever reason, today she chose to ask for one.  You can’t teach a five year old about mental illness or vasectomies, so I didn’t even try.  (As my regular readers know, she sees mental illness akin to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.   She rarely sees or equates my  elevations or depressions.  Two days ago there was a lot of yelling.  This is pretty uncharacteristic of me.  I was using my new Cri-cut and had to press the paper in to the mat or the paper would snip.  She went over and turned off the light.  It was dark so I couldn’t see anything could have easily cut my fingers by the very sharp blade.  I was so scared and angry and so many other things.  I did yell.  We had several private conferences about how this was dangerous and inappropriate.  I know she was clear that what she did was unacceptable.  The next day she asked me why there was so much yelling yesterday.  I told her what I told you about the situation.  She asked if what she did was worse than what I did.  I thought about it and said what she did worse.   She could have hurt mommy very badly.  She asked about the yelling.  She was right to bring it up, although I wouldn’t have handled it different if I had the chance.  I get so focused on projects I can’t react rationally to situations outside of my work.  It angers me and frustrates me.

King David was a writer, and I believe he had depression, and maybe even bipolar.  He couldn’t get out of bed to fight with his soldiers.  He wrote, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”  On the manic side:   He acted out sexually, he wrote tons of poems about the greatness of God and had many far fetched examples of how to live his life.  He was spontaneous, and even impulsive.  (Sending Uriah to the front line so he would be sure to be killed, taking on Goliath., and unreasonable battles.  Sounds like bipolar to me.  But who am I to say?

A woman in the outpatient program I was in last year was not encouraged by those lists of Winston Churchill, Ted Turner and the like, you know the ones.  They list twenty folks with major psychiatric disorders that become famous.  She doesn’t relate.  I think I do relate because I have an elevated view of myself.  I think I’m on par with them, or rather, able to compete with them.  That’s my mania talking, but my mania tends to talk a lot these days.

I’m yet to figure out what this passage has to say about anything.  But I wrote it anyway and am going to publish it.


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