Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight

I posted something similar on facebook, but this is the expanded, non-watered down version.

I take a lot of pills everyday.  Psychiatric meds, vitamins, it’s gotten to between 15-25.  (I don’t care enough to count.)  It’s a ‘normal’ part of my life.  Small often asks about them I say, “they are so mommy can be well.  Don’t ever even touch them.”

For some reason the other day we got engaged in conversation about my disabilities.  I told her that everyone was special, but my brain was extra special and different than most other people’s brains.

“You mean like Rudolph?”  She asked, not even looking up from her project.

“Yes, just like Rudolph!”  I’d never put those two together before, but what a perfect analogy.

My favorite kids movies are those like James and the Giant Peach.  Despite the failings of good adults and bad guys, the child becomes the hero.  I think that a lot of kids are waiting to the time they can step up and save the city, rescue the child or make a really good pot of soup for homeless people.  If they had the opportunity they could show everyone what their potential really looks like.

I don’t think that I have let that dream go.  I felt like I was flying some days when I was teaching the severely developmentally disturbed teens, but not knowing how to land (Think Greatest American Hero) I could have done better.  When I’m writing I feel like I’m living up to something, a lot of the time.  I think my ‘dream job’ as MFT would really press in to the wounds I have and those that have healed.

It just occurred to me how much of that stuff looks like Jesus.  He’s the one Thomas asked to put his fingers through the nail-holes in His Hands.  It took proof of His injury for Thomas’ faith to be healed.  Most people I know with mental illnesses do not feel free to even mention it in a social situation, let alone a work one.

The Bible  says, “by His stripes we are healed.”  This came up first in Isaiah and later was quoted in the Gospels.  I’m thinking how great a salvation and healing came from His pain.

Some of the following arguments come from here:  http://www.abideinchrist.com/selah/jul27.html

he apostle Paul tells us that we shall be included in the radiance of the coming glory, which will put into perspective the present sufferings we experience. “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us” (Romans 8:18).

As co-heirs with Christ (vv. 15-17) we are recipients of all spiritual blessings now (Eph. 1:3), and in the future we shall share with Him in all the riches of God’s kingdom (Jn. 17:24; 1 Cor. 3:21-23). In Romans 8:15-18 the apostle is stressing the assurance of the believer’s salvation, and in doing so says if we are true Christians we will also suffer with Christ. We will participate in Christ’s sufferings if we are believers. Being co-heirs with Christ requires that we share in His sufferings (Jn. 15:20; Col. 1:24; 2 Tim. 3:12; 1 Pet. 4:12). After suffering with Christ the believer will share in the glory of Christ (2 Tim. 2:12; 1 Pet. 4:13; 5:10).

There is no sharing in Christ’s glory unless there is sharing in His suffering. However, at the same time we must keep clearly in mind we do not contribute to the saving work of Christ Jesus such as the expiation, propitiation, reconciliation, and redemption. Only the sinless Substitute could ever accomplish such efficacy. Christ alone redeemed us by His blood.

However the apostle Paul does make it clear there are non redemptive sufferings from which the sufferings of the children of God are to be classified with the sufferings of Christ.”

(the end of quotations)

I think a key to get to live in the blessing of His life, or really, any life, is to be prepared.  I, for example,  am prepared to speak with people who don’t believe psychiatric drugs are something good, Godly or sane.   I can share in the sufferings of my precious readers and friends who are dealing with either schizophrenia or just having a bad day.  None of these pretty little blessings could be mind without living through the blessings.  A dear sister of mine laughed at (with?) me for the way I validate feelings.  I giggled.  I think if you met me in person I wouldn’t be a “validating feelings” kind a gal, but maybe I could.  I’ve changed a lot since I last scrutinized myself that way.  These experiences, the times in the hospitals, the DBT training, the psychologists and the psychiatrists with their endless handfuls of pills have given me scars.  But I’ve had Him along side me, and later he chose to teach me with them.  It’s worth the pain.

2nd to last thing.  My husband was trying to teach me how to jump on top to a 18″ box from the ground.  I could do it holding his hand, but when he took it away, I was too scared.  Typical, right?  Well, what was atypical is that I had my five year old right there.  I held her hand and could jump up just fine.  Is that how the presence of God works?  When we’re safe in the heart of our families we can do things we can’t do alone?

I want my family to be like that.  I want us all to work towards finding out what’s different and special and weird about each other so we can be ready to lead that sleigh.

Just waiting for that foggy night….

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