sabotage

I was feeling great.  I found some old notes from the last time I was in the hospital.  I love being in the hospital, because I get relief.  I am often so doped up I’m drooling but I don’t have to do anything except eat food I haven’t prepared and go to different therapies and seminars.

There is a problem with the seminars and it’s not the information disseminated.  Except for a class on spirituality (spare me) I’ve learned a lot and even absorbed some of it.  Well.  Sort of.  The main problem with all this great information is it’s too hard for a suicidal person to remember, let alone apply.  It was a very good thing, therefore, for me to stumble across the notes.  The note said, “Vitamin B-12”.

I had heard B-6 was good for other health issues too, so I went to Costco and got a big bottle of a B Complex.  I started taking it and it was a Christmas miracle.  My Lithium shakes were all but gone.  I often talk to myself and, although I still dialogue in my brain, my lips aren’t moving and I’m not getting in to furious fights with child beaters.  Or my mom.  I’m just sort of getting along with the world.  It feels good.

I did something stupid on Monday.  I talked to the principal about needing to talk to him, basically because I keep getting in trouble.  I got in trouble for making a phone call to a mom.  I got in trouble for talking to the speech therapist.  And I was, in his words, “Out of line” by calling the parents.  Even though they asked me too. I was pretty mad and told him that he was not the boss of me.  At that point he said, “Yes, we do need to meet.”   I was pretty angry with the principal.

I came home with all this on my brain.  Mr. Malakoa said, “you’re bipolar”.’  He also said I have to expect my anger getting in the way, sometimes.   I hate that that is true.  I want to be even keeled but I’m not.  Even when I’m doing well.

And I have been doing well.  The B vitamins have helped tremendously, but you already know that.  Mr. Malakoa was so happy.  So I decided to go to Trader Joe’s, under the auspice of picking up some food, and bought a box of Belgian chocolates.  And I ate four servings.  I came home a mess again.  Shaking, everything.  I didn’t know, for sure anyway, that I would react like that.  I hoped my Vitamin B-100 would help me.  It didn’t.  If I really want to get it together, I need to quit my binges.

The Seven Deadly Sins

“Superbiaavaritialuxuriainvidiagulairaacedia”  Latin for “angergreedslothpridelustenvy, and gluttony.”

There are no “Seven Deadly Sins” in the Bible.  At least they aren’t listed as the “Seven Deadly Sins”.  Wikipedia has a great article which if I’ve got you interested, I suggest you read:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_deadly_sins

What I want to do, though, is look at them just for fun.  (When I ask my daughter to go to the bathroom and she doesn’t want to go, I tell her, ” C’mon, just for fun!  What a weird mom I am.)

Anger – I got angry with the principal

Greed- I want to acquire things.  And I want to eat them.  Or give them away.  I’m not so horrible, right?  Even though I spend beyond our means.

Sloth works it’s way in to my life in the form of not trying to do my chores.  I’d rather play or write on the computer instead of making my bed.  I’d rather make books or ornaments.  I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with the things I’d rather do, but they’re at the point I neglect the things I need to do.  It’s not serving my family but letting things stay a mess.

Lust is an inherent part of be bipolar for me.  I want want want want want.  That’s all I’m going to get into.

Envy is something I pretty much have in check.  I see things I want but I’m not jealous of the people who get them.  I don’t wish I had people’s houses or cars.  While I wish I spoke five languages I am not jealous of what others have.  I still, sometimes, am envious of people who don’t have to think about money, etc.  But I am so selfish, to be honest, I don’t think too much about it anymore.  I have almost stopped being envious of the other girls Mr. Malakoa has liked, or loved, but I’m getting better at this.  It has been a great accomplishment for me.  For some reason I couldn’t let the grip it had on me, but I am much better now than I was even a year ago.  It’s something I can’t change and the song that goes, “God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you.”  It didn’t come in to this marriage free and clear.  It’s something I couldn’t change and to be totally honest, with few exceptions, I would probably do these things all over again.  Learn, Malakoa, learn.  And do now waste time.

Lastly, we have gluttony.  You know I eat like mad.  I’ve never denied it.  I think it may even has taken over the hold envy’s had on me.  While envy robbed me of the joy and excitement our marriage could have been during that time, I think I’m deliberately ruining my health, body, even spirit by keeping this up.  I know for sure I’m going to polish off that candy this morning.  It doesn’t fit with my goals.  I want to be lean and strong like a race horse.  I want to get rid of any sort of hatred I have for myself.  I want to love on myself instead.  But so long as I am in it’s grip I feel like I can’t control myself.

The apostle Paul says, “Everyone who competes for the prize is temperate in all things.”  This I am not.  He also says, “Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.”  It is possible for me to run this race if I confess and put-off these sins. If it wasn’t, he wouldn’t have written it.

That said, I think it is easier for some people than it is for others.  I will probably struggle with anger my whole life – but that is what it is, a struggle.  It’s not a victory from the evil one, but a thorn in my side.  Once I accept it, I will probably be fruitful.  It might even go away.

So, I must get on with my day.  Life itself has been a challenge lately.  If you think to pray for me, please see my above confessions.  I would be so blessed by it.

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