I do finally have a good friend here. She’s the kinda friend I would call if I got a new cri-cut (a paperworking machine – I got one, I called her. Actually, texted her. She is that kinda gal.) She’s fun, creative, generous. She’s also very bossy. And she has a bad habit of talking about people behind their back.
I was telling my therapist all of this, then said, “If she starts to do-” He interrupted me, “when”she does it. Ah yes, the facing of facts. When will I be on the negative list? What will I have to do to get there?
It kinda puts me on edge in general. I’ve told all of you how I’ve spent so much of my life so lonely. Part of that is being bipolar. I did live in my little world. And I had no power to break out of it. Now that I’m doing much better I can actually talk to people in situations like, oh, a party. Or a church. I used to go and hide in the bathroom during the greeting time at church. Now it would never occur to me to do that.
I do have some other friends. I have the sixty + year old woman who shares clothes with me (it’s a very young 60-ish). She yanked me from my table at the women’s breakfast yesterday because she thought I didn’t like the company. I have lots of people I could call if I was stranded or needed a lift, but not someone who was a real, I don’t know, friend?
I wrote on my facebook that “Friends are people who find the same things funny. Namely, each other”. She commented happily that axiom describes us. It does, I was thinking of her when I wrote it. But I don’t know how long this friend affair will last. It makes me sad.
Mr M suggested speaking to her about it. He said that since she is a Christian we have a responsibility to each other to correct each other. Like iron sharpens iron, you know? I want to do so. I can be so forward about so many things, but not this.
I was dwelling on two lost friendships I had. We were bff and then something happened, in one case we were great friends in the 6th grade. Then we went to different schools. We were reunited in high school and she’d have nothing to do with me. She wasn’t rude but made it clear I was supposed to stay away.
A similar thing happened in high school with another girl. During the summer we spent almost every night at each other’s house. School started. I don’t know what happened.
I don’t think too much about that anymore. Maybe it’s one of my disabilities that drove the girls crazy. If I were depressed I would think that there was something inherently wrong with me, but I don’t. I share this with you, though, to explain why I am so willing to let all of this go to keep her as my friend. Friends are fun. Especially one who wants to go to the Dollar Tree with me and eat Del Taco while our kids play in the play space.
But what is going to happen to me when she decides she’s through with me too?