My head blowing up. Strangulation. Echos of words from past lovers and friends that hurt, or disgust. Flashbacks and regret. Focusing on this I can never change. Gun shots. They come here like a game of 56 card pick up. There is no stopping them however much I try to dwell on the book of Phillipians. Life last night led to all this and more. Have you been there? No? Well, welcome to the land of intrusive thoughts.
For whatever reason, I’m having bipolar flare ups this month. Maybe it’s the evil one, and maybe it’s just that my doctor is in Pakistan and my psychologist (also doctor) is on vacation. I have no professional support. I have a supportive husband who tells me to exercise. I have a little girl that keeps asking me to read things to her. (Right now, and it’s bugging me, doesn’t she know I’m doing “The Lord’s Work”?). I say that tongue in cheek. I have a condescending mom and a guilt-ridden father. I can write bad things about them all day long when I’m in this sort of state.
I threw up this morning, and did on Friday, too. Once in between. My first thought was either a reaction to too many vitamins, or a flu, but I’m only sick in the mornings. Second thoughts were, “Might I be pregnant?” My husband had a vasectomy five months ago, but we never went back and got it checked. Until a couple of days we were scrupulous about birth control. Although this baby would be welcome, it would be a difficult thing to do. I would have to go off my meds completely, which would make, probably several trips) to the hospital necessary. I don’t know how it works here but a doctor in my old town recommended electro-convulsive therapy. That makes memory loss permanent, some times. I’m just not sure about any of this. I don’t feel like I need to be right now, let’s keep my head in the sand.
Now, back to those thoughts. Stress is flaring up. People are at their worst and expectations only make things sadder and angrier. I am trying so hard to be normal. I don’t want to react to the baiting and pity I get. I don’t need the first and don’t deserve the second.
I’m still making the presents which are “due” in two days. I did finish what I had needed for today for our little family’s celebration. I got annoyed at my husband but not too bad. He is a person that does things his own way. My expectations have made me very unhappy. I readjusted them. Things are better now.