I am angry and embarrassed

Once our Pastor said, “When I’m going to talk about something on tv, I always say, ‘I don’t watch very much television, but…’

Why do I say it?  Because of pride.  I don’t want anyone to think I’m sitting in front of the t.v. all the time.'”

I don’t watch very much tv, either.  But once he said that, I stopped the caveat.  I saw these whales on t.v.  So there.

But I still get so embarrassed.  My mom is not pleased with the way I handle money.  Heck, I’m not pleased either.  I use online banking so that really helps, but I’m not good about balancing checking accounts, etc.  I’ve transfered $150 in to a retirement account from 2002 to now without knowing I was doing it.  Yeah.  Not so good with money.

So, when I got this Past Due notice, I was unhappy, but figured it was a mistake.  I set  up all that stuff on automatic withdraws.  I looked, found out I had paid the bill, and went to call their accountant.  She refused to serve me because I wasn’t the name on the account.  Now I have to include mother.

Mortified.  Not embarrassed.  Absolutely mortified.  I did the right thing but it didn’t matter.  I was going to have to endure the pity and anger of my mother.

They talked about a conservatorship.  A conservatorships is:  a person, official, or institution designated to take over and protect the interests of an incompetent.

She thinks I’m an “incompetent”.

Well, I’m not.  And if I was wise I would let this slide.  I’m incapable of taking care of myself, even if I’m in my pjs at 3 in the afternoon and wore the same shirt for a week.  It was cosy and flattering.  I can cook for myself, clean (some) and take care of a child.  I told my doctor and he said for them to take away my rights, they’d have to get two separate psychologists to claim I am incompetent.  He said he would not testify that.  My last psychologist said that I was one of the least crazy people they know.  Too bad my mom doesn’t believe that.

I think I’m okay so long as I have Mr. Malakoa.  They won’t take me until then, but I’m sure she doesn’t think I am doing a good job with Small.  I can just see a very ugly custody battle.

And I shouldn’t be blowing all this out of proportion.  I don’t believe a judge would make me relinquish my rights.  I’m competent, even if I am a writer.  I will be fine, in fact, despite my current health situation, I am fine.

I don’t trust her though.  She probably thinks she’s doing the right thing and protecting me from myself.

The first commandment with a promise is “”Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.”  I am going to double my efforts because I do not want to move.  Some folks don’t do ‘good’ things because their motives were mixed.  My friend once said that we would always have mixed motives because we are sinners.  True, and a whole lot of folks don’t do a whole lot of good because they are not doing it under the guise of morality.  I don’t know if I’ve ever done a pure thing in my life.  Maybe if I was really tired.  I don’t know.

But I am capable of doing good, and I will do it . I’m not waiting to want to want to do it.

I just called her and asked me to add my name to her account.  Hopefully all this will get straightened out.

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