One less

When does the pain end?  How do I start to heal?  How can I keep from forgetting?

Death hurts.  Some people can be joyous about loss.  They can celebrate the transition  in to heaven.  They can celebrate a life well lived, or the few minutes or hours they held the baby as he died.  I understand this, and being thankful is a gift, but I hope that does not stop a person from really getting well.

I had no trouble grieving the death of my little, pre-born girl.  I went to church the next day.  I didn’t sit happily or expectantly in the pews.  We don’t even have pews.  Instead I sat near the back and bawled.  Mr M tried to comfort me, and I appreciate it coming from him.  But probably I wouldn’t from you.  Unless you, too, had lost a baby.  Then I might tolerate sympathy.  Or maybe not.

People wonder if  getting pregnant will make us forget.   That can’t be true. If so, then you wouldn’t be their mother. Jesus has us written on the palms of his hands, and I believe mothers have their children written on their hearts. Holding on to the pain of loss can take away the joy of creating a new child, but feeling less pain doesn’t mean you have forgotten your child. Your scars are proof the baby was there and the baby was loved.

Healing doesn’t take time, it takes a genuine desire and I believe it takes outside health.  Women who have gone through what you’re going through is a great hip.  Saying it takes time is not entirely true.  I hate it how people who say that think they are wise.  They may be, but that’s not a wise statement.  I believe the time a woman needs to heal is varied and what she needs to do is varied. Some need to have a burial service, others need weeks to cry, others need to be surrounded by friends. I continued to go to church, but didn’t talk to many folks about it. I found the things people can say to be worthless. I didn’t want to hear about my baby being in heaven. I can’t hear about how God saved me from having a deformed baby. There are other stupid things people who thought they were wise were saying. I shudder to think I could be that much of an idiot. (I was judgmental there. I’m trying not to be, but I failed.) The thing that has help me so much through all my troubles and struggles has been helping other people. You are probably not ready to do that right away, but who knows, maybe you are. No one can empathize about child-loss who has never lost a child. Well, maybe some people can, but I didn’t until I saw the evidence I would never hold that child.

My daughter can’t wait to go to heaven. She can’t wait to meet her Grandma, who died two months after her birth, and her older sister. I can’t wait either.

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