I need people to tell me when I’m depressed. There are signs and only once I’ve plowed through my mistakes do I realize: Ah! I’m depressed. Yesterday I missed a GP’s appointment. This morning I showed up ready to see him after going through some trouble to get there on time. I was told my appointment was tomorrow. I missed my psychologist this morning. I don’t know why, but this missing meetings, appointments, this forgetfulness happens more often when I am depressed. So yes, I admit it, I really am pretty depressed.
I have this hint of pseudo-happiness because of the Zoloft. I can almost feel it when I cry. I think I’m doing fine and then something happens. I buy almost $200 worth of clothes from Target. Target. It’s not an easy thing to do, even though after-Christmas sales lessen the difficulties.
When I went to return them they wouldn’t give me cash or credit my checking account because my check had not cleared yet. So now I have a $170 gift card to Target. I never intend to spend that money again.
I bought some other papercrafting on things I can’t return. I didn’t care at the time, but feel a tad guilty about it. I can’t just say, “Oh, I’m sick” because it’s not the whole story. I managed to maintain the whole no shopping rule for almost two years so I could stay at home with my baby daughter. Do you think I could do that now?
Galatians 5 says: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. And they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.
If I am to be temperate I am need to go deeper in to my faith.
2 Corinthians promises, “Every man who strives in the games exercises self-control in all things. Now they do it to receive a corruptible crown, but we an incorruptible.” My self-control or temperance push me onward before that incorruptible eternal reward. I’m not building up the prizes I’m going to gain in heaven.
That’s what I feel like right now. I feel defeated. I feel sad. I know there are good things coming our way but I am scared of them. I’m just not ready right now.