Women be shoppin’

I am woman.  I am bipolar.  I can blame myself on the female bipolar diagnosis, but to do so would not be fair.  Would it?!?

I talked in my last post about self-control (or temperance).

Let’s look at it again:  Galatians 5 says: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,  Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.  And they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts.  If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.

I’m  really impulsive right now.  Sort of.  I find,  I buy.  I am thrilled and excited about it.  My psychiatrist said it was okay so long as I took it back.  So, I made myself buy things at stores that I can’t return things to.  Or I wait a very long time to take them back so they won’t let me do it.  I bought a sickening amount of paper.  And other stuff.  It’s a way to assuage the pain.  It makes me feel even keeled.

Pain is not necessarily a bad thing.  I read a wonderful book that I whole-heartedly recommend to everyone, “The Gift of Pain” by Dr Paul Brand and Philip Yancy.  Dr. Brand made some brilliant discoveries in his studies on leprosy.  He argues that pain is necessary and helps preserve our lives. C.S. Lewis says that, “Pain is God’s megaphone”.  I agree.  I need pain.  I am safe because of pain.

I am also dangerous.  Not only do I shop, which is innocuous, in the big scheme of things.  What is dangerous is the bottles of pill I have squirreled away.  They are deadly.  I thought I had given them, away after a relatively long spell of health, but I stumbled across some others.  A pill bottle stuffed to the top with Seroquel and two other drugs.  Even though I thought I got rid of them, they are in the medicine box.  If and when I speak to my therapist he will tell me to throw them away.  If you have such a stash, I am telling you right now to get rid of them.  Right now.  These things are required if we are going to heal.

Well, I just talked myself in to getting rid of my pills.

Another issue:  I try to watch my language.  I could destroy my marriage, my friendships and my whole life.  I have a new friend that said she needed to “scold” me because of something I said in conversation.  I couldn’t remember it, of course, but she understood that.  I was having one of my “spells,” which is probably an accurate description of what I go through.  My father initially told my brother, “Malakoa is in the nervous hospital”.  Fifty year old diction, it makes me giggle.

I’m spotting tonight, you can probably tell.  I’m over doped.  I am going to go read a book or three to my child, and check back with you tomorrow.


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