Last night, trying to sleep my mind is filled with images flashing all over the place. Surprisingly, they are pleasant, papercrafting tools, beautiful paper, formats. I do not slip quickly in to sleep as I usually do.
Mr Malakoa wakes me up very early because he can’t find a bottle of allergy medicine I offered him the night before. I go back to bed but instead of immediately going back to sleep I get more pictures of my obsessions. Nothing scary like they used to be before this whole bipolar debacle.
What has changed? I ran out of Vyvanse, my ADHD medicine.
My daughter comes in about an hour later and gets in to my bed like she does every morning. We talk a bit. She said she’s hear so early because “I closed my eyes and there was no more dreaming”.
We get out of bed, get dressed with little incident and decide on toast with butter for breakfast. I am having toast with cream cheese and jam. I know this is not adequate, tomorrow I’ll do better. We walk to school and I feel very late. Our good friends are walking by the house when I open the door. I see their homework folder and run inside to get Small’s.
I feel like I have a mower running at a low speed in my head. I have the energy to do the things that I put off without remorse. I am not running on a slow burn. I realize before I felt like I was dull. Now, I’m not. I’m don’t feel hypomanic, I feel mostly back on track.
The reason I ran out in really inexplicable. I have enough of the rest of my drugs. I was taking my 50mg and had extra 70mg so I just upped them for a day. My thought life came to a halt. I hate the word “bored” because I used to always be able to amuse and entertain myself using my imagination but there was no such possibility with this much Vyvanse.
I MUST add here that I fully and completely support taking medicine for whatever mental illness you happen to have. It does help focus considerably. It makes one less impulsive and teaches you to think things through. It has helped enumerable people and might be a very good choice. I have seen kid’s and adult’s lives turned around with appropriately prescribed medication. It doesn’t work for everybody, and I think that it didn’t work for me.
I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I haven’t been to her in a month, (usually we meet every two weeks, if not once a week.) she’s been in Pakistan with her sick father. Since she left I discovered the joys of B-100 (it has stopped me from talking under my breath to myself, something I hardly noticed I did before I stopped.) the thrill of being free of Vyvanse, and that exercise really is that important. I hope our meeting goes okay. I started the B vitamin because it was recommended in the hospital. I didn’t check with her first, like I always tell you too because I really don’t give a lot of credence to altera-health claims. I just think that there are lines that shouldn’t be crossed. I live in fear for those who treat their bipolar, or even depression, by “natural” means such as St John’s Wort. It usually means they are not under a physician’s care and are in the position to innocently over or under dose and (to put it frankly) to wind up dead. I do understand that not everyone is lucky enough to get the good care, the comprehensive care, and the relatively inexpensive prescriptions that I do. But I don’t like it.
But back to the Vitamin B. It took two days for me to notice it really start working, but it’s been really wonderful not to be so strange. I don’t mind being different, my whole life I know I’ve been different, but it’s also nice to not be the scary woman on the bus talking to herself. I’d rather be the kinda strange lady who writes this blog about mental health. (See? Better!)