What goes on inside me while I exercise. And ADD tales.

Every other day I do this exercise routine.  It comes from Dan John (danjohn.org) whose favorite habit is to destroy someone physically.  He also has scads of integrity and  credibility.  There is one exercise, the “get-ups” that is killer.  Look here to see what I’m talking about.

Why should you care?  First of all, go ahead and try this exercise without any weight.  If you can do it easily, you’re awesome.  Now go get some weight and try it again.  This is probably the most difficult exercise I’ve ever done, and I’m doing it, every other day.  I’ve been at it for two weeks and there is already a notable change.

I was setting up for one of the “ups” (I do them slightly different than the women in the videos).  I looked to the ground to make sure it was clear.  I had already done this twice, there was no need to check.  I think it’s’ the OCD showing through.  Anyway, I checked and it was fine of course.  I completed the rep with little problem. 

Then came my last set.  I decided to try to do two, right in a row.  I looked around and reminded myself if I dropped the weight, it would go to the side so I wouldn’t get hurt.

When I lifted the weight, my arm buckled and gave way. 

I had given myself permission to fail. 

Now, I’m not a good athlete.  Chances are I work out more than you do, but I don’t catch on well, I have to have things explained to me over and over and over again.  I talked about my physical disabilities in a previous blog and I’m not in the mood to go over them again, but I have physical as well as mental challenges.  This time I psyched myself out.  I physically could do what I wanted to do, I just mentally wouldn’t let myself.  I picked up the weight and did it all again like I wanted to before.  It was hard, but I did it.

Lately, I feel like I have a lean body inside of me.  I know I’ve said it before but I’m really growing adamant.  “Malakoa,”  I say crossly to myself, “If you would just stop it with all the junk food, you might have some good luck shedding the extra weight.”  It’s not just vanity, but it does play a part in it.  I have all of this weight in belly fat, the most dangerous kind.  And I have high cholesterol.  Just a little high, but still.

So, I was having this stern talk with myself, telling myself to be better about what I ate when I stumbled upon Small’s Halloween candy.  Mr. M hid it so we wouldn’t eat it.  I found it two days ago and at a bunch of it.  And today, in the middle of my stern lecture, I ate even more.

This is not going to work the way I’m going at it.  I’m just not sure what would.

***********************

Another day off the Vyvanse.  I feel fine, but I’m noticing that I’m not focusing like I could before.  I can focus on writing, but other thoughts are floating through my head.  No matter how hard I try, I have other things in mind.  This is me no matter what I do or say.  I’m typing my blog, I’m thinking about rants running through mazes.  I’m cooking, I’m thinking about how I need to color my hair, I’m at church, I’m totally restless and want to get up and leave.  These are three things I love to do and I can’t “just” do them, I’m all over the place.

But when I’m not all over the place, I’m not me.  My thoughts are dull.  My experiences, especially time alone with my husband, are more intense, but it is difficult for me to switch gears.  If I’m trying to do something I can’t answer a question about something else.  I wasn’t able to be creative, it’s like my thoughs were in a box.  Now, sometimes, it feels like they are in a hamster wheel.  Getting to sleep is not difficult, but it’s like a ticker-tape parade going on.  It’s like that everytime I try to clear or calm my thoughts.

I did take yoga.  In fact, my first yoga class was in 1994, thank you very much.  I’m not a mindless trendiod like you think.  Just because I like scrapbooking.  Anyway, I appreciate the work it takes to clear my mind and believe it is worth it.  There are other times, however, where it’s better just to let them go.  I can sleep with them going strong.  I can write most of the time.  There are times it will be difficult, I imagine school might be, but I can always go back on the meds.  I haven’t had trouble reading but I had trouble comprehending a lot of things.  I had to re-read paragraphs, even pages while I was on the drugs.

One think I’ve learned is songs running through my head can be a very good thing.  Today I was replaying some resentment I had re: my brother’s ex-girlfriend.  She was as phoney as all get out, and a general thorn in my side.  She is gone, out of the picture, and he is married to someone else.  Thank God.  Anyway, my ruminations were making me really angry.  Songs, however, generally don’t do that.  I whistle a happy tune, one with sentimental meanings, or just one I enjoy and that replaces my anger and frustration.  Most of the time.

I totally and completely believe that some people, including some children, should take medicine for their ADHD.  I hope that I’m not discouraging you from the decisions you make with your doctor.  If you’ll see things you don’t like, then work with your doc to find something that works for you.  I’m not saying that the meds aren’t helpful.  They were, but for me, I didn’t have trouble controlling impulses, it wasn’t causing me to do things I regret or interfering with every day life.  If you do, you may want to consider something like Vyvanse.  There are a lot of options and I exercised them.  They weren’t my first choice, but they did do a lot for me.  And of course, if you don’t like the effect, you can try something new.

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