I asked my therapist yesterday what his impression was of me. He thought about it and said that I was a very anxious woman. I was anxious about my husband’s vasectomy, anxious about money, and anxious about – ah – I don’t remember, but you get the picture. He also said that I was invested in my “relationship” and family.
But let’s look at the anxiety. I have a prescription for Xanax that I am to take prn, which could mean three times a day, if I so choose. I took one half of one yesterday just to see how I felt. I am hesitant to take it all the time.
Why? Because I feel like I should be able to handle it myself. I feel that if I exercised harder, ate less wheat, and prayed more I wouldn’t need outside assistance.
Baloney and bull ca ca.
I’ve heard so many folks tell me how bipolar doesn’t exist, and if if I were a stronger person who trusted God I never would be depressed. I have yet to hear scriptural support for that, but it doesn’t stop being from spouting it. I know it’s not true. If there were ever more ‘spiritual’ people in the world you’d find them in the acute psychiatric ward.
I’ve heard so many folks say that depression is caused by feeling sorry for yourself. If I would just pull myself up by my bootstraps and suck it up I’d be fine. And when does your period start again? Because maybe you just have PMS.
I dismiss all of that as foolishness, and I tell anyone I can that will listen the reasons why those arguments are useless and even dangerous on the path towards healing. So why I am being so ignorant about this anxiety thing? Do I really need another diagnosis? Do I need another pill to take? If not, what do I need to get rid of this nagging feeing and exchange it for peace.
It’s time to look at the Bible. It says, “Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me–everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.” Until about an hour ago I read this as to believe if I was obedient, I would have peace. That is not what that said. God is always with us, we know that because He told us He would never leave us or forsake us. We don’t have to pray for God to be there, but it may be that we can understand just a little bit about God, and if we are obedient we will experience this God of peace. It doesn’t seem to mean that I am going to be a more peaceful person. I can obey God in all things (well, no I can’t, but hang with me here) and still not feel peaceful. I am comforted by his peace. It’s like being around a loving friend who makes me more loving.
I love this search – http://search.biblegem.com/ the page I refer to talks a lot about the God of peace. I like the God of peace and believe He will transform my anxiety in to something good. That good thing might be just writing this blog. I haven’t prayed too much for release from this anxiety because I have seen how it heals other’s hearts (that sounds so corny). Like the bipolar and ocd, any requests to remove them appear to have fallen on deaf ears. I know that is not true: I believe that a Malakoa with bioplar, ocd, adhd and anxiety is able to serve God better than one with a, well, more normal mind.
I see that anxiety is just one more surprises that is part of my journey. I’m not going to give in to it. I’m going t treat it – I’ll exercise, I’ll skip caffeine, and – gulp – I’ll take the Xanax. I’m not ‘relying’ on the Xanax – and I’m not giving up on my own efforts. I’m not going to just lay down and spend my life being ruled by my anxiety. I’ve spent a fair amount of time in bed. I’m pro-bed, sometimes that is part of getting well – getting down time and getting sleep. I don’t want my life to be like that, though. So I’m going to take 1/2 the pill. And I’m going to do better.
And if I don’t get better, I’m going to get another arrow in my quiver to take it down.
I’m headed to MOPS. More later.