I took at least eleven pills this morning.  This was just to start the day.  I didn’t take them all at once, although if it wasn’t for the B-100 I could have.  It took three separate gulps to get them down.

I have been pretty cool about taking pills and have been since the beginning, but this morning this old feeling came back.  I thought, there must be something seriously wrong with me to have to go through all of this just to have a semi-productive life.  Tonight I sorted them out, and in addition to the 1/2 dozen of medications I take for my brain I also take a few for stomach issues.  It’s just a hell of a lot of chemicals I pump in to my body.  And if I don’t, I’ll find a way to kill myself.  My life really is that simple.

There are other things I need to do, too.  I need to go to sleep, for example.  I need to exercise hard everyday.  I need to eat what is good.  Yesterday I didn’t binge on treats and felt so good.  Then, I went a head and had some sugary snack at the pharmacy.   Why do I do these things to myself?

I haven’t the slightest.


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