Aside from my little family, the joy of my life is a-ha moments. Those are the moments that point out the obvious. They explain something I was hoping to be true or prove true something I hoped would be false.
I saw the most adorable toddler, paired with her preschooler sister at a party on New Years. They were absolutely enchanting, the little won bopping up and down the hall and the big one selecting fairy princess accessories. They were beautiful and I loved them. I think I felt milk letdown. I didn’t hate them as I might have a year ago, but I was jealous. Not resentment, but jealousy.
Not soon before that I was told by a friend who, in my world, has no business having more children, that they were expecting.
Of course, after about a year of being okay with it, I was having trouble dealing with our secondary infertility. True, it was a choice, a very difficult choice, for us to stop having children. When in a balanced mind, I know it was the right thing for us to do. But it still hurt that night. And for a couple of days. I hardly got out of bed. I didn’t even really understand why.
So, I go to see my therapist and we talk about it. She tells me that other people’s families and their expanding brood of children has nothing to do with me. It doesn’t relate to me and my decision and family. I have to focus on myself and my family and what we chose to do. For us, it is the right thing. It’s best for us to have one child. There are reasons we chose this and reasons it hurts, but no matter what, it’s our lives and even though I might be jealous, their situation really has nothing to do with me. When I take my focus off my own life I am spending my energy uselessly. It’s not effective to measure others under my own (impossible) standards – one has nothing to do with another.
It was a click in my brain. It’s not like I’m not allowed to have opinions: Of course I do. What I’m not to do is form judgments and derive comparisons from that. They’re not helpful or useful. And they can be painful.