Getting my claws in to…. you?

Used to be when I met someone, I would size them up immediately.  I would consider the things they said, the way they talked and their friends.  I would consider their work, their family and as much other information as I could gather.  Then, I would decide if we should be friends or not.

If I decided we shouldn’t, I would still be kind to them.  I would hold the door and ask about their families, but I wouldn’t pursue them.  If I decided I would give it a try I would try and make plans, make an effort to talk to them any chance I could for as long as I could and do things like get them lentils if I remembered they liked eating lentils.

I’m not kidding about the lentils.

I would be so insistent that I would ignore signs they weren’t interested until it happened so much I started to resent them.  If they returned my affections we would be friends.  No matter what the person did or didn’t do to me, I would hold on and forgive over and over again.

You can imagine this didn’t lead to many healthy relationships.  Worse than that, I had this black and white judgment that I made so hastily, it usually just led to heart-break.  A person couldn’t be a healthy shade of gray – they either were, or weren’t suitable.

One such example was meeting my, then boyfriend’s, best-friend’s new girlfriend.  I sized her up and thought we might be friends.  When I saw her for the second time, I was engaged and was excited to show her my new ring.  “You already showed me,” she told me.  I couldn’t have; I had just gotten it that night.  Before I explained that to her, she turned away.

At that moment, she went from white to black.  I didn’t like her and wouldn’t be her friend.  Ever.

Now, if I were an emotionally healthy person at that time I would have been a little hurt, probably, but I wouldn’t carry the almost ten year old grudge.  In reality, I have learned new ways not to like her, and in reality, no one cares.  She probably doesn’t know and if she did I doubt it would be even a blip in her radar.

Waiting for the moment it’s just a blip in mine.

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