This afternoon

I start training for my new job this afternoon. I’m a behavior therapist, which sounds quite impressive, non? I’m working with autistic kids, little ones, in their homes. That’s honestly all I know.
To be honest, I’m a tad ambivalent. I haven’t had to wear shoes for a job in almost seven years. (Except for the tutoring, I forgot about that.) I wish I could be super excited but I’m afraid I don’t have what it takes to keep a job. I’m bipolar, and I’m feeling agitated. I’ve lost a lot of self-confidence in the past few years. I’ve missed the validation that comes with having a paying job. More than even the money, which we desperately need, comes the reinforcement: you’re doing a good job, you’re changing lives, you’re helping the meekest of the meek, the poorest of the poor.
I’d thought about retail jobs and even office jobs. The pay is low (my pay is not high) and although it might have been fun cutting fabric or answering phones, I know nothing about sewing and get lost in paper work. The only job-job I’m qualified for is working with people with disabilities. I don’t think I could do a teaching job – there is too much to it. Special ed teachers have a ton of responsibility beyond “just” teaching. This sounds doable and glamourous. But maybe it’s not do able. I know it’s not glamourous. I could see it as this: this job is perfect for me, or this job is my last resort.

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