Even though I am so sick, I find myself wanting desperately for other artists to notice me and love my work. There are a few people in particular that I want to read my blog. I want them to check their email and then check my blog. I want them to be disappointed when there is no new story and excited when they relate. I really want them to relate to me, my online persona (that I hope is like me) and my struggles. Not everyone needs to be bipolar, but there are other paths that other are on that are difficult. I want them to relate and want to ease their burden, So much loneliness comes from illness, infertility (even secondary infertility) and the lost of a friend. When it happens, sometimes, I feel superficial. I keep all of this to myself or tell it to the “wrong person”. It hurts.

But I think I am the type of person that isn’t the “wrong person”, I’ve met wonderful people through the blog and also gotten to know some friends more closely from it. I’ve been told that I am the only one who understands, and although I wish it wasn’t so, (I wish they had a dozen close friends) I get joy from that. I want to help folks get back on their feet and I want to help them stay upright.


One response to “Desperate

  • Ellen

    I do, I do read your blog! I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and open about your struggles. Life is NOT always easy and I think it’s also harder for some than it is for others. I was in a group recently and the facilitator asked people to say where they were on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being lousy and 10 being wonderful. So, we went around the group and out of 6 people, there were 2-3 tens and the rest were 8 and 9. Except for me. I was around a 5, but I upped it to 6 cuz I thought, I can’t be a 5 when all these other people are at the top of the scale. I don’t like these number ratings anyway – I always want to qualify my answers. Just giving a number doesn’t tell the whole story…. It’s been bugging me – I keep thinking, how are these people 10s??? Doesn’t seem possible, but maybe their ratings are based on other criteria. Or maybe they’re hiding. Or maybe they’ve attained some level of happiness and comfort, I’ve yet to reach… Dunno. So I appreciate your honesty…

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