I thought I published this a month ago. If you’ve already read it, go to history and check the rest out.
I talked to a beloved friend last night. She is on the other side of the world, had four children in quick succession and is a missionary to disabled folks in a culture that is more uncomfortable with disability that even North America.
She said that I seem calm on my blog. I liked hearing that because I love feed back. I like to consider what the person said, how they gained that impression and if it’s something I’d like to project.
I like calm. I sometimes feel like I’m running around, worrying about things like getting a babysitter and getting food into Small. Other times I do feel pretty chill – just hanging with my family, going for walks or meandering through the library.
The incident my friend referred to was the day that Small decided she was moving out. I believe I wrote about this before. (I did: https://malakoa.wordpress.com/2011/04/30/she-was-planning-on-running-away/)
My dear friend asked about that, saying she would have her feelings hurt if her children wanted to run away. I thought about that for a minute. I think the reason why it didn’t bother me is because (a) I saw it as a way of working out her autonomy and (b) I knew she wasn’t going to do it. I think she needed to have power in a situation where she had none and the way she thought to do it was by depriving us of her presence. It was a way of being a grown-up six year old. She wanted something she couldn’t have, and that way she’d be in a situation she could have anything she wanted. We didn’t beg her to stay, or react too emotionally. She didn’t get candy that day, at least I don’t remember her getting candy, but she did feel like it was up to her what she could and couldn’t eat. She chose being with us this time.
Who knows what will happen next. Will she run away at sixteen? (Only ten short years away) If she does will I have the grace and aplomb to handle the situation? Will she grow into the child she was made to me? Will I become the mother she needs?
A moment with Malakoa’s Weight Loss
I ate like a great big, greedy bridge troll yesterday. To be honest, it was how I at before I started Weight Watches. I ate smaller portions, three bites of a corn dog, stuff like that. I declined the purchase of popcorn, but ate a huge plate of Mexican food. I also ate two Krispy Kreme doughnuts. That was not temperance.
But my old pants, the ones I wore in Hawaii before Small was a year old, fit perfectly. Yay! Maybe I will get bad news Wednesday at the meeting, I know I’ve made progress. Maybe not a lot, but who wants to fail to meet their standards? Sure, sometimes it makes us work harder, but I don’t have that kind of gumption right now.