I remember playing “Are you nervous?” in seventh grade. I was blessed with breasts and all that magic so the boys wanted to play with me.The rules of the game were as followed: Boy would put hand on girls knee and ask her if she was nervous. A group for people would watch. She’s say, “no” or “yes” and if the answer was “no” the game would end and they would find another girl to grope. I wasn’t good at the game. I said “yes,” I was nervous really early and never let anyone get very far. I also was not nervous. If it wasn’t for the people around I would have said, “no” I wasn’t nervous, I was just, I don’t know what. I felt guilty; I wanted that kind of touching and attention.
Am I still nervous? Lately, yes. This isn’t about sex anymore. That part of my life is good. (Often better than good – but you didn’t want to know that.) It’s about anxiety. We went down to a amusement park and I pretty much stressed all the time we were there. And the way down. And the way up. I though I’d forgot my pills (I hadn’t). I thought my husband was driving erratically. I thought I’d forgot and left the iron on (I never iron.) None of my fears came true. I was okay, but I couldn’t shake the anxiety. It was like that the whole trip. Usually exercise helps, but I convinced myself I couldn’t do it. I went on one grown-up ride and that helped some too – it got rid of the adrenaline I had built up. But I felt anxious the whole time, and I couldn’t shake it. I have anti-anxiety medication but to do not usually take it because it makes me sleepy. I’ve heard mixing caffeine and Ativan is a great combo, but I’ve yet to partake.
I did a pretty rough work-out today with the foam roller and it didn’t help. Very much. Who knows how bad things would have been without it? It loosens my neck. (I have arthritis in my neck.) But the rest of me is scattered and scared and I’m not sure what to do about it. Anxiety is pretty new to me. I’ve had an anxiety attack once in high school but never since then.
But the anxiety is here in full force. It may have something to do with the job I am convinced I will lose because I made a mistake on a time sheet and had a messy therapy box. (Even though the later was my 2 1/2 year old client’s fault). We need this money, largely because when we get out of debt we will get a dog. A dog is an anxiety cure, so I’ve heard. I’m willing to try it.
For a while I was talking about our potential dog and Small took me aside. She said, “I asked for the Go-Go-My Walking Puppy so we could have a dog. It’s not very thankful of you to keep talking about another dog.” I loved her reason and maturity (at that time she was just plain six). But I still wanted a real dog, I just stopped talking about it.
So, I am nervous.
(Not exactly sure why but the computer deleted the first half of this section. :-p)
Monday is my weigh in and I am not excited about it. I threw caution to the wind and ate just about anything I could get my hands on while I was in Southern California. I ate chili-cheese fries, tacos on Indian Fry bread and a marshmallow-hot fudge sundae. Worse than you thought, eh? I was so close to my 25 pound weight loss goal, but as usual I am sabotaging myself. Why? There must be a good reason.
I think it’s like the anxiety: I don’t know why. There are a million reasons to stay fat. There are lots of reasons to be thin, too, it’s just those are more difficult to execute. I don’t admire those thin people who are thin no matter what because being thin doesn’t make you fit, it just makes you thin. I love thin people, like John Pinette says, “they’re all God’s children” but I know the right thing for me is yoga, hard kettlebell exercises or bike riding, and meetings. And tracking food. And eating only the food I track. If I was thin, I wouldn’t even think of doing any of that stuff. I would still eat pop chips, but I would be eating them out of the bag, not carefully measured out.
I was so inexplicably excited about going on staff there I was motivated then. Now, not so much.