My husband was frustrated with me. That’s okay, right? Husbands get frustrated with their wives. But my husband has permission to call my psychiatrist. He did and she said to lower my anti-depressant. I’m going from a dose every other day to one every three days. Also, I’ve had a hair dyeing disaster. I had pretty red hair and now i have almost black hair. Why wouldn’t I be depressed?
I’m probably considered moderately depressed right now. That’s one of the reasons I was taking so many things personally, and finding fault with so many people. Also, the suicidal fantasies. When things get high pressure, I think about a gun to my forehead. I think about handfuls of pills, and I have enough of them to do it. I won’t. But I could. Except we don’t have a gun anymore. I used to have my husband hold on to my pills but that got to be a pain in the butt. I don’t really get the pill fantasy anymore, anyway.
I was dreaming of a coma. I wanted to sleep for a long time and I know taking a lot of anti-anxiety drugs will do that for you. I won’t do it, though. The idea of a coma sounds sweet, but the off chance I would kill myself prevents me from doing it. I can’t leave Small here without me. I think the people who would miss me most are Small, Husband, Brother and Dad. Maybe dad even before Husband. He can’t manage his emotions very well and I doubt he would ever be the same. Small could grow out of it and my brother has a wife and will have his own family. The others have little to live for already.
I don’t know why I said that about them having nothing else to live for. It’s not true.