The devil bit me

I skipped my Lithium a few days ago, purely by accident, so after things being great, they are not so great.

The devil has bit me. I am so anxious and angry. The things I say jolt or annoy people. My thought lean towards homicide and suicide. I took 1/2 a Xanax to get through and it slowed me down a little bit, but the problem with Xanax is it wears off and leaves you even more tense than you were before. Yoga is the best remedy for this, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’ promise myself I’ll never take one of those pills again, but I can’t do it. They do work best with a can of Pepsi, but I don’t always want to do that either.

My new don’t let anyone see how messed up you’re feeling is going okay. Almost going well. I don’t want to be so vulnerable. I don’t want to be picked on and I certainly don’t want to be pitied. I am through with that.

I am also through with birthday parties. I am through with other people’s birthday parties, and although it hurts to say so, I think I am through with ours.

I should add we went to a lovely birthday party for B, my daughter’s friend from church. It was low key, they handed out swim noodles and everyone had fun.

After that, I have high expectations for people for whom I should have none. We live in this court where eight of the kids play together almost everyday. One of the families has a kindergarten kid and a preschoolers. My daughter was not invited to their birthday party. She never heard about it, so who cares? It gives us an excuse to not invite them to ours. (Already getting stupid.) Another family has a son the same age as my daughter and another preschooler. My daughter adores these boys and the sentiment is mutual. They always want her to come over, the baby invited her to come on his dentist’s appointment.

She is not invited (so far) to his birthday party.

There is another family I know that was have a birthday party a year ago. They laughingly said on facebook, “bring your own chairs.” I posted that we could lend our nice, green (plastic, but still nice) chairs. We did. Then I tried to get them back. She kept saying she would bring them. Finally, for the last month, she hasn’t returned my emails. Today on facebook she posts about how she’s not ready for her youngest’s birthday party. A few hours later she comments on the great party.

A party our chairs attended but our daughter was not invited to.

Tacky, tacky, tacky. I’m not sure what to do next. We need those chars, so I’m considering asking the possessor to leave them on the front porch. When my baby hears about the little boy’s party, she is going to by crushed. And his mom knows that.

That is what is getting to me. If we didn’t have birthday parties, we wouldn’t have all this drama. Who are we hurting for not inviting? Is this really necessary to do so? Do I need to get all tied up in it? Probably not, but I’m immature at this point and I do get involved.

PMs I wish I would send but haven’t/won’t:

“Guess I see why you needed the chairs:-) Glad we were able to be *some* part of the celebration. When can we pick the up?”

“Looks like we missed our invitation. What time is it so we can make sure to be there?”

I believe my brother calls this a “pissing contest.”


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