It’s so easy

Day three of the Joy Project. I dropped little one off at school. This morning, at home, she wanted me to stay for her school’s rah rah Friday morning event. By the time I walked her to school she changed her mind. That was fine; I honestly didn’t want to go anyway. But it is significant in that she already doesn’t want me to be in that part of her life. Not a lot of cause for joy.

I am thankful, however, that among all the kids in the second grade, she is the only one that still runs to greet her mama after school. She usually has something fun or exciting to tell me. I love it when it’s something exciting only in her world. Her last cause for joy was that her new library book was written about middle schoolers. She wants to read at a middle school level when she passes up to third grade. She stays up late at night in her room, trying to read herself to that higher level. She’s got something figured out and is more attentive to her education than I am. I can’t feel guilty about that, so I don’t.

It’s so easy to fall in to my illness. I could think about how awful it is that she is abandoning me at such a young age. I am already depressed, I want to go to bed for the day and I just might. What is not easy is to meditate on joy. I can think about her reading in her room, what is waiting in the afterlife, or be thankful I can write. All these things are open for me. If I could I would start the day with yoga, eat something protein rich for lunch and drink several shots of tequila. See? All sorts of options.

I drank milk for breakfast so I feel sick.


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