Can’t stand today

Today is one of the worse days I’ve had in a long while. I’m yelling (at myself, and it brings my daughter in to the room with a, ‘why are you yelling mommy?’ She was scandalized SCANDALIZED that some mothers yell at their children when they’re mad; there isn’t a whole lot of yelling in this house.) I want to tug out my hair, squeeze at my skin and go to bed, all at the same time. I cleaned the kitchen. I had to because yesterday I took boiling mac and cheese water out of the oven and came this (imagine two fingers pinched together) close to spilling it on myself. I did hurt my finger, but that was all. I could have literally been scarred for life. I didn’t pick up the mess because it was getting late and I deliberately wanted to piss off my husband. (Okay, not the second part.)

Small ran in to the street in front of a moving car, just past dusk. You could hear the gasps of terror from all the parents on the cul de sac. She and I came inside and I tried to explain how she could get herself killed that way. Something I said clicked in her, probably the part about Mommy and Daddy dying if she died. I was trying not to lay on the guilt, but she started to cry and cry. She begged me not to tell daddy because what she did was too horrible.

(She just came in the kitchen wearing lavender tights with purple, silver and black tights with a pink blanket tied around her neck just like a cape. Just was disturbed I called it a cape because it was really a shirt.)

We did tell daddy, by the way. It was too scary for him not to know, and I hope that her confession helps make her safe. I tell her all the time that the #1 job of mommies is to love her children and the #2 job is to keep them safe. Sometimes I want to take a sick day.

So where’s the joy? Is this day four? I have joy because my daughter is safe, and learned something about keeping herself safe last night. I also have joy because she wears silly outfits solemnly. She used to wear stuff like that to school. She was only sent home once, and that was by the evil Miss S. She was a kindergarten that once called out a little girl, “Who’s gassing?” and sent her to the bathroom until she stopped. I almost threw a brick at her.

So, my snarky attitude is shining through today. We are going to a quaint town fair for free this afternoon. There are pig races, even. I’m sure I’ll have something mundane, yet entertaining and that may bring me JOY. I’m all about the joy, right? Are you there?

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