Having a medium tough time but learning a lot about myself so that makes me really happy.
My friend, D, calls obsessing, “pit-bulling”. It’s when you bit yourself in to something and hold on with a locked jaw. Sounds pretty perfect, doesn’t it? You don’t have to have an alphabet of diagnosis to obsess over something, do you?
Well, for me it was a minor art supply that I lent to a friend with the understanding that she’d replace it. I’d asked her a few times about it and she always made excuses. It honestly wasn’t a big deal to me in someways, but in others it was. It seemed like she really wanted to give it back. I saw the item in the craft store and pmed her about it. She kind of went crazy, listing all the things she’d done for me and given to me and how could I possibly want that back? I wanted to talk in person but she wouldn’t do it. After all that she said she wanted to drop it.
Of course I couldn’t do that. I had to consider what she said, and I was going to do it without obsessing on it. I talked to my husband and he told me I was more of a taker than a giver. I talked to my mom and she basically said the same thing. She pointed out how her poor (as in financially poor) great aunt and uncle always brought a gift to them whenever they were invited over or whenever my parents did anything nice for them, which is frequently. I didn’t have the funds to buy things for other people, but I had the means to do good by them.
I am sure the woman with all her (valid) accusations is gossiping about me up and down the block. Maybe I deserve it, but maybe I don’t. Just “dropping” things means not talking about them anymore, right?
I could think that there is no joy in this, but I would be wrong. I have learned I need to give more. It can’t always be about me and the almost astonishing gifts I have been given by friends with little else in return. It’s a chance to change myself. When I am able, that is not sick, I will make a dish for the pot-luck, and find a way to bless other people materially. I neglected to do that. It’s easy for me not to do so because I either count myself doing enough. (I host parties, right? I listen to your whining, right? (Not yours, the people I am talking about don’t read this blog.) But I also take without hesitation. My husband was really disturbed at the amount of “freebies” I accept. I honestly assume that, if people give to me, they are glad to and don’t expect anything in return. In the rare chances I usually give with that attitude. I guess that I don’t do that enough. No, I agree that I don’t do that enough. I want to be giving, I really do. I have so many good examples, like my friend T, my fabulous sixty-something friend who would gladly give me the cashmere sweater off her back if she thought I wanted it. Even the friend who kinda exploded on me is a giving person.
That I can change myself before I alienate, or wear out any other friends is a cause of great joy. I feel lighter, and although I haven’t done anything yet, I feel like I am better because of what she said. It doesn’t matter if I felt like she was being petty (I was being petty, for the record) or even manipulative, I need to change, I will. It’s part of my Wonderfully Fabulous Journey.