Mind all over the place – R for content

Shocked? You should be. After all, I am as steady as the sea, I am calm like a hurricane. I am like a simmer. I am a yo-yo dieter. Why shouldn’t I be everywhere at once without even trying?

We are studying the Marriage Builder in our “Growth Group.” One of the first questions was, “What do you want most from your marriage?” My husband wants “consistency.” I don’t even know what that means, even after an explanation. I can’t be consistent. I want to be, sometimes, but most of the time I don’t. I’m like a great big trifle, filled with sponge cake and whipped cream and even jam. No slice is the same. It’s so creamy delicious though, who can resist?

I wish mightyheidi was up. She makes me laugh a lot and I calm down when I get to talk to her. She almost died this year, so it was very scary. Most of all scary for her, I think. It’s hard for those of us with kids to really want to meet our Maker. Before marriage, I was eagerly awaiting heaven. Maybe marriage didn’t change me, but having Small makes me want to bargain. Just ’till she’s 12, 18, has kids of her own. I confess that when the depression breaks in I think about how old she’ll be when I finally do it. Would a 18 year old handle it better than a 15 year old? That’s when I feel my body comes in to a certain obedience to the illness. I can see a little how I’m being irrational and have no responsibility to die, but it almost doesn’t matter. Just for the record, Mrs T, I’m not having these feelings right now, I’m just able to express them right now.

I applied for a job so I am checking my email every time I can pry my family off of this computer. They don’t reply. It is sad because the hours are so perfect. (Have you noticed that the hours are pretty much the only qualification necessary for me to apply for a job?)

Really thinking about a tattoo…. I want my mom to die of shame, that’s why. Also I’m thinking about the whole Тоска concept. It’s me! It’s me! It’s a Russian word: “No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for somebody of something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom.”

I would get “Тоска” on my hip that way you could say, “Did I really just see a tattoo peeking at me?” or “I didn’t know you had a tattoo?” or nothing because they aren’t checking out my bikini line, which i shave irregularly.


One response to “Mind all over the place – R for content

  • Youknowme

    Totally down for doing this with you, M. For TRUE. I firmly believe tattoos should be obtained in wild flights of abandon — but that could just be the bipolar talking. 😉 And what’s this “con-sis-ten-cee” thing you speak off? Sounds novel. 😉

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