Is this what it’s like to not be me?

My birthday sped by. Usually I celebrate all month long, but we had a dinner on the actual birthday day. Christmas chased after it and ended very quickly. Brief holidays, a 2.2 pound weight GAIN for the month of December and a sort of confused feeling. Both my husband and daughter have two weeks off – they have the last week in December and first week in January off. I take the time off, too. So what if I don’t have a job? I’m not going to scrub while they’re watching t.v. Of course, my husband does a whole heckuva lot of housework, too. So I do nothing. At least a lot of the time.

I read somewhere, it may have been the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, that our calendars should reflect our values. Mine don’t. I spend too much time on the computer unproductively. If I value writing, I will be writing more and GCMing less. If I value art, I will create more. If I value my health, I’m going to jump at the chance to lift and practice yoga. If I really want to be slim I won’t be eating a carton of ice cream or even buying a carton of ice cream. If Small’s life and education is really important to me, we’ll be setting aside time to do homework, to read more and to learn those math facts. We have time for this – we can do mind work before America’s Next Top Model. I love that show. I’m not even going to try and speculate what my love of ANTM says about my values.

I feel like I need the time to set up a schedule for myself based on what is important. Unfortunately, I have to be in a good, focused mind set before I can do any of that. Maybe I need help. Brain-disabled people do need help with things like that – that’s really what therapy does for me. I think there are some pretty crazy people in the world, but I’d guess that not a lot of them are bipolar or even go to psycho-therapy. I am not a crazy person; I need help with some basic skills. My therapy is not so much about how my mom did me wrong (most of the time.) It trains me to live independently and reasonably. Sometimes that means a schedule or a finely detailed calendar. Everyone one “should” eat well. If I do not, my illnesses kick in. And I gain weight. For some reason I’m drawn to the idea of the person who can eat whatever they want and never gain weight. They look nice, but their health is often not so good. You can be thin and be unhealthy. I can’t, though. If I really cared about myself, I would eat as healthily as possible. Sometimes I do. The problem is that, once I get depressed, I’m not about to eat anything but dollar store cheetos and cracker jacks. I have to be aware that I’m craving cheetos before I slip in to the dregs.


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