“Overweight/Skinny”

I want to give a shout out to my new readers and followers. Please keep reading, and leaving comments. I want this to be my best. This year I’m going to be more focused on the novel I’m writing. I hope that means I will use the blog to warm up and lure you into creating a Malakoa fan club, complete with a forum for fans that passionately argue with each other about potential interpretations and gush over my transparency and honesty despite all of my sufferings. Yeah. Do that.

My sister in law in here and things are going very well, at least on my side of the room. She is very cute with her new short hair cut and was very sweet. She played with my daughter and after she and hubo went up to be, we stayed and chatted into the night. Pleasant.

So pleasant I went ahead and ate twice as much Coconut Bliss as everyone else and a Coconut Cupcake with a ton of frosting, and a ton of frosting. Buttercream with real butter and a hint of blue food coloring to differentiate between that and the Earth Balance frosting. It was like my nervous energy was suppressed until she left, then it was free to reign. I’m sure I’ve gained. My tummy feels flabby – a word I have never used to describe myself before. I feel as if it’s all back. I can’t relax in to the comfort of being overweight any more, because I find I’ve preferred being “lean”. I don’t like the words “fat” or “skinny” because they are so critical and so charged. You don’t use “skinny” to talk about a girl you find beautiful. In my experience, “fat” is not so wonderful of a descriptor either. I like lean – it reminds me of a race horse. Strong, powerful, glossy hair and well cared for nails. I would like that to describe me. Once a UC Berkeley football player told me I had legs like a race horse and I really liked that. “Overweight” hurts. The world famous psychiatrist described me as, “overweight” in his description of me and it stung. I didn’t do anything about becoming a healthy weight, but I didn’t like it. Years later, I’m no longer, in T’s words, hiding behind “a mound of fat”. I have an ordinary body now. Well, that’s not entirely true. I have an especially designed body, and I have more say over how it works and looks now than I did then. I wasn’t eating to gain weight, I was eating because I was hungry, or because Small was hungry. Or I was nervous or sad. There are always reasons to eat. I’m paring down those options, and that is why I am slim. “Slim” is not my favorite word to describe a body, either. “Slim” reminds me of a “slim volume” or “Virginia Slims”. I’m still wearing Lane Bryant Clothes. This surprises me, but my mom says that I was wearing my clothes too tight. So it’s a size 8 pair of Calvin Jeans, and a size 14/16 sweater. I have lost two cup sizes, so I’m a tad confused on how that can be so. When I lost all that weight training and completing the tri-athlon I wore an eight on the bottom and a 12 on the top. Maybe it’s my shoulders.

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