Tag Archives: friendship

Being Loved (G)

I got hurt and ticked off by L today. (We’re calling her LN now because we know another L.) Mostly, I was hurt. She had every right to do and say what she did, so I can’t blame her, but still. I do. I will pray and it will pass. I think she likes to put herself in a position of being taken advantage of. When the person realizes how much she is giving, she might try to extend some kind of hand or reciprocity. It is not met warmly. She will obviously be angry, but will not take herself out of the power suite. She has the upper hand, and she will keep it that way.

Like so many of my friends and family members say, in a matter of words, “It’s time to drop L.”

I am ready to do that.

I talked to good old Greenegem of Dare to DISCIPLE fame. (http://greenegem.wordpress.com/) She said, “I mean, I don’t want a friend who doesn’t love me. yk?”

Good advice and well spoken. This doesn’t mean that I have to stay away from new friends, but that I will limit my inner circle to those who actually care about me. I do know such people, after all. I have great friends that love me the most here in my city. It says in the Bible that “Love keeps no records of wrong.” I believe those real friends don’t. Even if I’m the most offensive, greedy person at all, they might say something (and I hope they do) but they won’t hold it against me. At least not for very long.

***
GIVING I
Had breakfast with another L today. Let’s call her LS. She made me a Latin American meal. I’m having her first grade son over here to do math and play in our bounce house this afternoon. She and I are just getting to know each other, but I think we’re going to be good friends. She’s funny and smart and receives as easily she gives.

Advertisements

“Wouldn’t You Like to be Popular?” (G)

Small was seven yesterday and she already wants to be eight.  She’s one of the youngest people in the class and thinks their age gives them authority.  She is a month older than one of her friends and a year older than another and she lords it over them.  She is always the one in charge, she makes the decisions and they execute them.

Is she always going to be like that?

I sure hope she’s not bipolar.  Bipolar gives you weeks of being on top of the world followed by weeks of crashing in to the ground.  Your friends who loved your energy and love of life often abandon you.  It’s not that they don’t like you anymore.  They probably didn’t really like you in the first place.  For someone who enjoys people and wants to be around them, this could be detrimental.  When she is at the top, she’d be at the top.   When she would be depressed, no matter how much she struggles  she won’t  be able to snap out of it.   She does care about what other people think, and psych-hospitals are the joke to end all jokes and she would probably be shunned.   I don’t know if she’d be able to be on top ever again.

Does it seem like I’m obsessed with my daughter’s future popularity?  I guess I am, because I see that being around people and having BFFs feed her spirit.  I have real friends, now, like T and L.  They cook for me and invite me over.  I have a feeling they aren’t talking about me behind my back, or if they are, it is not picking me apart, or finding fault with me.  My friends in high school weren’t that real.  I had mauditmo but she lived very far away.  Other didn’t even notice they were trampling my body in to the ground.  None of us were knowledgeable enough about anything to notice I had something serious going on. I have the twisted idea that, if Small is at least moderately popular she will have more friends, and among those friends she will have good friends.  I should find some former homecoming queens (are there any “former” homecoming queens or is it something like in the Marines, “Once a Marine, always a Marine”?”) and ask about their friendships and relationship.  Or football quarterbacks.  (Can I think of any other stereotypes?  I never even knew our school had a quarterback.)

It occurs to me, in a flash, that punitive parenting would destroy my daughter.  I don’t think it’s good for any kid, but a kid like Small could be crushed.  I raised my voice to my husband earlier this week.  They both were shocked, but Small was spooked.  It reminds me it is good that I don’t yell.  I don’t want her to get used to being yelled at or at hearing yelling.  Same thing goes for corporal punishments, from slapping hands to spankings.  I got ticked at her when she was almost two years old for grabbing at something.  I smacked her hand and she laughed and smacked me back.   It was silly.  It put the whole thing in perspective.  I said I was sorry, but she had dropped it before I could.  I can hear dissenting voices – I should have hit her harder.  I should have been doing it more consistently. I can’t expect punishment to work if I don’t make it hurt.  What?  Why?   As Small says, “That doesn’t even make sense.”

It also doesn’t make sense I was able to fly below the radar.  Although I had obvious symptoms, I was not diagnosed or treated for any mental illness until I was in late twenties.  I struggled  alone, fighting to do the very best I could.  I didn’t have the luxury of any kind of support team or the counseling I desperately needed.  When I was first diagnosed I used to joke that, although  was sick for over a decade, I didn’t get “caught” until much later Most people get diagnosed in their late teens/early twenties.  I managed to plow through those times with sheer willpower, fighting against my body and mind and was chronically suicidal.  Maybe you could have met me and I’d look fine, maybe you would be insightful enough to tell.

P.S.  The title of the entry comes from the 80s flick, “Can’t Buy Me Love.”


On Understanding

I’ve been told many times, “You’re are the only person who understands me.” I am touched by that, and want to introduce her or him to each other so that it’s not really me who is their lone compadres. There are so many people out there, and I read once 1 out of 100 folks are diagnosed with bipolar. That means if you go to a church with 300+ there are at least three of you. If you’re in a club that fits 100, you are likely to be the only one, except if you meet someone you might find that they are also mentally ill. (We tend to attract each other.) It doesn’t sound like a lot, but I actually take comfort from it. Even in a large crowd, there are more of me.

My new friend, Randi, had some serious issues with anxiety. She once stayed in bed for three days. We’ve only become friends since the beginning of the school year. It’s kind of funny, really, because I think that seeking good friends is kind of like dating, but in a fun way. I’m getting so buff (a funny word) so that many of my shirts are tight around the shoulders and thighs are huge. If I wasn’t smothered with fat I would have a rockn’ bod. She wants us to work out in our well stocked home gym twice a week. I am having a bad day, physically. I normally don’t but I am feeling like I have the flu.

I cancelled my volunteer work for this morning and I need a bath, a nap, and to develop some pictures for my paper crafts. I had a great idea about a present for my husband for Christmas and that requires pics. Or not. I could just use my pretty ribbons, etc. I’m sure I’ll figure it out, and if my computer does ever work, I’ll do it for sure.

I feel like Randi is a friend who is closer than a sister. (Proverbs 18:24) I get genuine concern from her and even. I know it’s okay to call, or text, or leave pms on Facebook ten times a day if I need to do so. I can ask her to walk my child to and from school. I probably could even ask for some orange juice. I am happy to find her. I have other, wonderful friends I have here, but none so close. I also like that she is persistent. There are things that I don’t want to do that she convinced me to do (hello, Scrapbooking!) and they turn out to be fun, but she will take no thank you for an answer. I appreciate that too. Many of my very good friends take no for answer, quickly, and I do appreciate that, but when I heard someone being convinced to do something, I honestly felt a little, I don’t know, jealous? Why are they not-persistent with me? Did they just ask to be polite, or what? Do they really not like me?

I’ve talked a little bit about my good friend, Tori. She and are are able to share clothes because we hover around the same weight. She’s in her sixties, but likes beautiful, colorful things, and jeans. I’m wearing one of her hoodies right now. I was telling an old friend about her and she said, “I want that.” It’s strange because I did want to get to know her better and have more time with her and her gorgeous little girls. She seemed to have close girlfriends so I just didn’t pursue it, and now it’s kinda too late. I don’t really want to make that mistake again. I’m not saying that I’m going to chase around other women, but I will pray for them and take my feelings to lead those prayers.

Of course there are people I wouldn’t choose to know better, but God puts those people in our paths as well. I had a girl I called my friend that I discipled for over a year. Quite honestly, I never look forward to it. She had this soft, barely discernible voice and that sort of thing never sits well with me. I truly dreaded it. Just about everything about it.

But when she came in, she was always wonderful. She is very smart and always did her homework. She asked excellent questions, sometimes very personal questions about herself and her newlywed life. It was an absolute honor to look through the Bible with her, and we both wound up learning a whole lot. (If any of my readers can guess who this is, please keep it in your hearts.)

We were neighbors in an apartment complex, the family I spoke about before, and one of the men there had an incredibly romantic idea or putting one flour on the step saying one of the things he loved about her. I threw a fit. I had been single for something like five+ years. I told my friends that I was tired of pretending that every thing was okay and that I wanted 23 flowers of my own. That I didn’t buy.

A few months later was Valentines Day. She and her husband made me a beautiful card that listed, you betcha… Twenty four reasons we love our Malakoa. It was cry worthy. I was super blessed to have these people in my life. Ecclesiastes 4:10 says, “f one falls, the other can help his friend get up. But how tragic it is for the one who is [all] alone when he falls. There is no one to help him get up.” I had fallen, but was lifted by my friends. I feel like that is happening now, too. It look two years to have met her, even though, I am glad.

This is one of those totally random entries. I hope it does touch those of you who are struggling and lonely. When I am depressed, it is a lot like PMS, to tell you the truth. I feel like not only does no one love me, but no one will ever love me. I spend as much time in the world in bed and only want to eat fried things. But most of all, I am more flawed any anyone else I know. I remember standing in a room of severely developmentally disabled students and feeling completely alone. I wasn’t good enough to be a part of that group. I was damaged too much. (This is before my diagnosis). I tried to talk myself of it, for some reason I had enough of my brain working to kick those thoughts, but I can’t always do it.

Okay, I should rest. I am so very tired, I feel weak and need a break.

All best to you,

Malakoa