Tag Archives: giving

A Lovely Baby Shower

I just deleted the “vent” post. I had a very nice baby shower here today, that’s why I went in to the psyche of a particular party guest and all her insipid ways. I am just tired of it, ya know? And there seems no end in sight. Ah! There is no end in sight. Thankfully they are the kind of people that move on purpose. We do not move on purpose. We stay put on purpose. That is why I’ve lived six places in the last ten years. I would have died happily in our little cottage in our city. That’s not the way it works.

I don’t want to vent. But I wish this woman came with a warning label. She’s like a German Sheppard. Fine one minute, the next. I need to fire her but haven’t done it yet. I’m still emotionally involved, and I think that it’s at least someone reasonable to stay that way. (Of course I’m talking about LN. If you didn’t pick that up yet.)

I will probably vent tomorrow. It struck me just now that I am afraid someone is going to read this and tell her and all hell will break lose. What do I care, really? Do I not want readers? Have I been unfair? One sided? (yes, one sided.)


Are we still giving?

I’m sure I’m still working on my ten days of giving kick. I talked to a friend today who told me I could be really needy, but there are also times she’s really needy. We balance each other out. It’s true. Sometimes I’m a drain on the human being’s general fund and other times I’m a gusher. Right?

I think part of the problem with this whole giving thing is that it is requiring me to be self-centered. I think, “What can I do?” instead of “What do they need?” I haven’t made that shift. I don’t think I can in ten days. It’s a life-time thing.

Not up to doing anything but eating candy right now. (And I wonder why I have had two readers in the last 24 hours). We’ll try insight tomorrow.

Not so much giving today (G)

Sure, it’s only one-ish, but so far I haven’t done anything more giving than letting the guy in the car to the left of me in a four-way stop the opportunity to go first. Generous, right?

I spent the morning at Weight Watchers, where I am down .8 pounds. “They” want you to lose between .5-2 pounds a week. So, I’m on track. Good because for the later half of the week I did not tracking and ate two pieces of Oreo Cheesecake. If that sounds disgusting, that’s because it is. After Weight Watchers T and I went to Barnes and Nobles and looked at books on color and paper. It was a pleasant three hours, and I love that T has the time to spend and wants to with me. I found a wonderful book on creating cards and that took me all that time to get through. It is one of those books that I could spend another three hours garnering ideas from. Maybe I will go back with T next week. Or maybe we will eat pizza and finish it off with Coldstone. (All within walking distance from Weight Watchers, of course.)

What can I give today? I’m just not good at it. I’m good at asking other people to give. T bought the coffee. A few seconds ago I texted LS to see if she could watch Small during the parent/teacher conference tomorrow. I am prepared to hear that Small is average in all her subjects and runs her mouth. But maybe there will be surprises.

Back to the giving. Is cleaning the house a form of giving? Making gifts? Talking to my mostly deaf father?

During the writing of this blog, my dad called. He he can’t hear very much at all, but he can think. Interestingly enough, a few times we’ve been in a group conversation, and I’ll say something. The next thing out of his mouth is a very close paraphrase. My dad is a very smart, wise, deaf man. To be on the wavelength where he’s thinking is almost an honor.

I have to look out for something to do for someone today. Grrr. I didn’t think this would be so hard. I am just discovering how self-centered I actually am.

Being Loved (G)

I got hurt and ticked off by L today. (We’re calling her LN now because we know another L.) Mostly, I was hurt. She had every right to do and say what she did, so I can’t blame her, but still. I do. I will pray and it will pass. I think she likes to put herself in a position of being taken advantage of. When the person realizes how much she is giving, she might try to extend some kind of hand or reciprocity. It is not met warmly. She will obviously be angry, but will not take herself out of the power suite. She has the upper hand, and she will keep it that way.

Like so many of my friends and family members say, in a matter of words, “It’s time to drop L.”

I am ready to do that.

I talked to good old Greenegem of Dare to DISCIPLE fame. (http://greenegem.wordpress.com/) She said, “I mean, I don’t want a friend who doesn’t love me. yk?”

Good advice and well spoken. This doesn’t mean that I have to stay away from new friends, but that I will limit my inner circle to those who actually care about me. I do know such people, after all. I have great friends that love me the most here in my city. It says in the Bible that “Love keeps no records of wrong.” I believe those real friends don’t. Even if I’m the most offensive, greedy person at all, they might say something (and I hope they do) but they won’t hold it against me. At least not for very long.

Had breakfast with another L today. Let’s call her LS. She made me a Latin American meal. I’m having her first grade son over here to do math and play in our bounce house this afternoon. She and I are just getting to know each other, but I think we’re going to be good friends. She’s funny and smart and receives as easily she gives.

Chocolate and Turkey – Day 1 of Giving

Today is a very good day, so far. In brief: Church was wonderful, it was Missions Sunday and people from all over the world came to talk about their experiences and their miracles. This afternoon we’re having T and M over for a last minute turkey dinner. B is making green beans and shallots, and fluffy souffle-like mashed sweet potatoes and a glistening turkey. I set out a little chocolate tasting plate. It has this super nasty Mexican Chocolate on it. I hope they like it because I’m throwing it away if they don’t.

Another reason things are wonderful: I’m still soaring over the encouraging words. (In the secular world we call those compliments.) Who could be loved second to the lover’s own family? ME!! Who can care for someone so difficult to care for only to see their entire family come to Christ? ME!! All these things, this wonderful week are mine to latch on to. Let’s say, “Yay, God!” “Thanks a lot!” I hope I can latch on these facts like I latch on to so many foolish things that are not necessarily true. (To D – grrrr)

So, my mood may be elevated or not. Good things are happening to me, why should I be anything but joyful! My husband swears I’m been elevated for four days. I know my memory is not so great. At the jog-a-thon I (thought) I was in rare form. I met everybody, made them all laugh and found a more efficient way to fill the cups with water. I was on top of my game. This may have been my amazingly charming self, or it may be my illness kicking in. I’d like the think it is the former. People were laughing. Also, I took some great pictures.

I haven’t felt depressed in almost a week. Sometimes I hardly know that’s possible. It feels very good.

I hate football. Except for when my hero BB coaches.

It’s day one for Ten Days of Giving. We’re giving lunch to T and MG. I also helped put away chairs at church. Is that enough? The chairs are contrary to my usual predilection. Looking for more opportunities. This is going to be difficult

New Title, do ya like it? Also, letting stuff go.

Having a medium tough time but learning a lot about myself so that makes me really happy.

My friend, D, calls obsessing, “pit-bulling”. It’s when you bit yourself in to something and hold on with a locked jaw. Sounds pretty perfect, doesn’t it? You don’t have to have an alphabet of diagnosis to obsess over something, do you?

Well, for me it was a minor art supply that I lent to a friend with the understanding that she’d replace it. I’d asked her a few times about it and she always made excuses. It honestly wasn’t a big deal to me in someways, but in others it was. It seemed like she really wanted to give it back. I saw the item in the craft store and pmed her about it. She kind of went crazy, listing all the things she’d done for me and given to me and how could I possibly want that back? I wanted to talk in person but she wouldn’t do it. After all that she said she wanted to drop it.

Of course I couldn’t do that. I had to consider what she said, and I was going to do it without obsessing on it. I talked to my husband and he told me I was more of a taker than a giver. I talked to my mom and she basically said the same thing. She pointed out how her poor (as in financially poor) great aunt and uncle always brought a gift to them whenever they were invited over or whenever my parents did anything nice for them, which is frequently. I didn’t have the funds to buy things for other people, but I had the means to do good by them.

I am sure the woman with all her (valid) accusations is gossiping about me up and down the block. Maybe I deserve it, but maybe I don’t. Just “dropping” things means not talking about them anymore, right?

I could think that there is no joy in this, but I would be wrong. I have learned I need to give more. It can’t always be about me and the almost astonishing gifts I have been given by friends with little else in return. It’s a chance to change myself. When I am able, that is not sick, I will make a dish for the pot-luck, and find a way to bless other people materially. I neglected to do that. It’s easy for me not to do so because I either count myself doing enough. (I host parties, right? I listen to your whining, right? (Not yours, the people I am talking about don’t read this blog.) But I also take without hesitation. My husband was really disturbed at the amount of “freebies” I accept. I honestly assume that, if people give to me, they are glad to and don’t expect anything in return. In the rare chances I usually give with that attitude. I guess that I don’t do that enough. No, I agree that I don’t do that enough. I want to be giving, I really do. I have so many good examples, like my friend T, my fabulous sixty-something friend who would gladly give me the cashmere sweater off her back if she thought I wanted it. Even the friend who kinda exploded on me is a giving person.

That I can change myself before I alienate, or wear out any other friends is a cause of great joy. I feel lighter, and although I haven’t done anything yet, I feel like I am better because of what she said. It doesn’t matter if I felt like she was being petty (I was being petty, for the record) or even manipulative, I need to change, I will. It’s part of my Wonderfully Fabulous Journey.

All that happened today

It’s a blog, I can afford to be self-indulgent. I did very little today. I watched the end of “Eat, Pray, Love” which did very little for me. There was nothing about it to recommend, except a desirable Brazilian man. It’s rare to hear the word “Brazilian” any more when it doesn’t have to do with making a grown woman’s pee pee look like a slow developing twelve year old girl. I saw him; I heard it. But it’s not worth the hours you need to watch to get to him.

I went to get Small for lunch today. It’s my new habit. She was throwing away her bag lunch. She really wanted to eat school lunch. We didn’t like the expense (actually, I didn’t mind it, how does $2.00 break the bank?) and didn’t like the meals that continually featured french fries and other “bad” things. I suggested I bring her home for lunch. B and Small practically cheered at the suggestion. So now I have my day sliced in half.

I set an alarm to remind me to go get her. I peel her away from her place in the lunch line and we come home. Today she had rigatoni with marinara sauce and two glasses of milk. No real veggies and fruits. But better. She says she likes it better because she gets to spend more time with me. I will try to love this as it lasts.

After lunch I walk her back. This is where the drama began. I can’t tell you exactly what happened: I promised her I wouldn’t. It had to do with the girl she gave the “BFF” 1/2 necklace last week. As I said, I can’t tell you the details, but it involved…. never mind, I promised I wouldn’t.

Shortly after school we went over to T’s house. T is a luscious, red haired sixty-something woman who happens to be one of my best friends. T is easy to spend three hours on her back porch swapping stories. She and three of her old-lady friends are putting a show on for the talent show and she asked me to direct. (Which I believe was merely a scheme to get me out of the house.) I was the most best of all directors in the whole world and made a grand total of three suggestions. They were adorable.

(I also know T is an avid reader of my blog. Much of what I said above was for her benefit. It also is true.)

Then, it became time for T to give away many of her worldly goods. I wound up with a whole bunch of beautiful things, purple runners, plates bowls. I could give a laundry list of all her beautiful cast offs, but I will not. You would probably be, (a) disinterested, or (b) jealous.

We met my mother for dinner at a chain Chinese restaurant. I was starving, as I ran out of “Weight Watcher’s Plus, Plus Points” so I’ve been eating vegetables, and couldn’t find any more of them on the black market. I guess I just don’t know the right people, or the right websites. There are some “Canadian” sites, but I don’t trust anything not made in the States.

Later my mom and I went to Sally Beauty and found a new haircolor for me. I am pretty tired of being 35 and being dissatisfied with the way I look. I’ve always had very good hair – thick, coarse, wavy. For some reason the last two years I’ve been obsessing over it. I change my hair color every 2-3 months. I like it red. It was an orangey color that I loved loved loved that no one else did. I feel like I have red hair, something in my soul has red hair and I don’t feel like myself without it. My natural color is slightly tinged with red.

We walked in to the shop and my daughter immediately walked to the hair swatches and said, “This one is mine.”  Upon closer inspection, she had found a color exactly the color of her hair.  Maybe she has a career as a colorist in her future.

My mom helped me find my latest color.  It promises to be a gold/red color, but I don’t know when I am going to apply it.  It’s frustrating and exciting to wait.  I want good color for my daughter’s birthday party because there are going to be pictures.  I can’t stand the dark purpley color I have right now.  I know it’s not about me, but to be honest, I believe most peoples world’s are about themselves.

We came home and Small was beside herself with tears.  She was acting very upset, in fact she was acting like she was sick.  No fever.  Was sad.  She kept going over and over again that she, “didn’t get anything.”  I thought she meant T’s Grand Give-Away.  Small had played with a kaleidoscope there and was disappointed she didn’t get to take it home.  I thought that was it.  (This is not an attempt to get you to give the kaleidoscope to Small.  Do not give your kaleidoscope away, please.)

Sure, that was a part of it but the real deal was what happened at school.  Not only did she feel things were unfair, she also felt betrayed.  When I think about my life as a little girl, I have memories and I still feel this sting of betrayal, sometimes.  I wonder if she senses that I am just a few steps away from feeling like that again.

Anyway, she is in bed now, sleeping.  I wrote through “Sherlock” and I’m writing through “Freaks and Geeks”. I am not smart of enough to identify with Sherlock nor humble enough to identify with Dr. Watson.  I didn’t have good enough friends to identify with any Freak or Geek.

Enough until tomorrow

From Sherlock:

“You don’t seem very afraid”
“You don’t seem very frightening.”