I was wallowing in my own selfishness when I wrote my last few posts. For that, I am sorry and I am embarrassed. I’d like to go back and delete them but I won’t. I want to be transparent in my struggles, not only with my major psychiatric illness, but with my minor ones as well. If I am disabled, which I see myself as, everything in my life is going to be colored with that disability. That’s why I go on about things that seem irrelevant. It’s not, it’s me. I am these things.
I woke up in the morning thinking this scraping by thing could be fun. There is nothing fun about being actually poor, but we’re not. On my first mission’s trip to Mexico we were in a pueblo where some of the people were so poor they built their houses out of cardboard – a few were made of wood designed to keep the cardboard or sheet of thin wood in some sort of shape. There was a little boy, probably about six, who took care of his two little sisters and his baby brother. He had a stroller and was as organized as a mom with four and was clearly more on top of it than I will ever be. I was in their home briefly and saw, written on chalk on the inside of the house, in Spanish, “The house of the poor is happier than the house of the rich.”
We went to Costco today and bought the things we needed, for example: no sparkling water, and that’s all. We went to the huge Asian supermarket to get our vegetables and rice noodles. We skipped Trader Joe’s because it’s the kinda place you can blow money. For example, I ate their packaged Indian food every day. Not a need. We have lentils at home anyway, and Mr. M will make me some that will be quite delicious. Lots of examples this line
The Love Dare continues. Today I was supposed to buy something to show Mr. M I was thinking of him. Problem is, as you know, I have no money. Mr. M cheated and used his Starbucks card to get me a vanilla rooibos latte. It was quite tasty.
I’m feeling better today and I’m not one hundred percent sure why. I think I’ve just let it all go. My grandma said to me once, she was not a religious woman, “Let go and let God.” I don’t like those kind of cliche’s, but I’ll hold on to it today.
We got another bill today. I had forgotten it, and to pay it will will have $20 left for the end of the month. This just calmed me, surprsing me. In the past I would have panicked. Today, though, I say, I have to let it go. We aren’t going to be able to pay it. I’m sure I’ll work something out with the company, as they would rather have some money than no money. All of this is not just going to be okay, it is okay.
The Love Dare continues today.
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.
I think I’ll clean out either the closet or the refrigerator. I wonder what Mr. Malakoa is going to do.
We started the “Love Dare”, a book about how to “Fireproof” your marriage. There was a very bad movie made about the book, staring Kirk Cameron. It was based on the book, and you might have heard about it that way. The book has forty days of challenges designed to make your marriage stronger, or to save a relationship headed for divorce.
Today we are to say nothing negative to your spouse. So far, I’ve mostly done it. We were talking about money, as people with none are prone to do. We paid for Mr. Malakoa’s school this month to the tune of 1,000 dollars. We didn’t have the savings to do it, so that means we’ve got about $XXX (I’m not that tacky) to last until the end of the month. I’ve heard from other couples how they survived when they were young on nothing and how much fun it was to do it. Problem is they were nineteen or twenty two when they did this. Mr. M is almost 45, you’d hope we’d be done with it by now.
But, hey, I’m up for fun. Maybe it will make us youthful and not keep us at each other’s necks. Tonight I told Small we were being so silly by eating breakfast at night to be silly! She loved it.
Anyway, we were in the middle of this heated conversation and I was going to open my mouth and tell Mr. M everything I thought about him and this whole debacle. Then I was reminded of “The Love Dare.” I thought, “Surely they weren’t going through the amount of financial pressure we’re under.” But I swallowed it. I was “good”.
Feeling like my grammar and punctuation aren’t very good this day. My complete apologies to my faithful readers for hanging on.