Tag Archives: overweight

The Overweight Housewife

9 days…. after setting a goal of writing every day.

I went to the grocery store today. I’m usually friendly, let the person with less groceries in his cart go ahead. The grocery store line is not so interesting. I haven’t felt good – my insides are turning themselves inside out and I ate about 1/2 of a bag of Cheetos so that grease was lubricating a pipe where my whole grains, strawberries and freshly pressed pineapple juice could block up and pass through. Disgusting, so what?

Anyway there is a point to this post. Waiting in line I decided to stand behind the groceries. The man behind me, dressed in a burgundy pressed dress shirt and shiny black shoes, was getting off work and getting something for his dinner. I thought to myself, He thinks he’s getting extra points in good citizenship land if he gives the overweight housewife instructions on how to check out in a grocery store she has been in a thousand times.

I felt pretty bad about myself. Then I remembered –

I’m not overweight anymore. So what if I was? I’d still deserve some help – even if I looked Valliumed-out. And what if I was “just” a housewife. It’s something an innumerably number of families work thier bottoms off to have – it’s called a “full-time mom” these days anyway. And I’m not “just” a housewife. I’m an artist who regularly sells her work and I’m a writer.

But if I were just a “full-time mom” that would be okay, too. I respect and love many “full-time moms”. I don’t know why I think it’s beneath me.

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Hardcore Malakoa

I want to be all hard core, brain disorder activist and hip, lean goddess of candy corn, but I can’t be. I never will. One of the main reasons is that I love those youtube videos of girls or women recording their, “haul”. That is, things they have recently bought for scrapbooking.

I’ve sort of been photographing the things Small and I have been buying for the card company. She and I are working together to make and sell cards. She is the owner of the business, and I am an employee. It’s working well. At least I think it is. I am doing most of the work, but people are thinking it’s cute and buying them. We have an order for a dozen and an order for twenty – my friends entire family is getting a CCC card.

I haven’t been involved with anything of note other than that. I have seven more pounds to lose, up from six and it feels like it will take forever and ever. I eat too much and I eat the wrong thing. I exercise twice a week. All of these things are telling me I do not want to drop the pounds. Six lousy pounds.


“Overweight/Skinny”

I want to give a shout out to my new readers and followers. Please keep reading, and leaving comments. I want this to be my best. This year I’m going to be more focused on the novel I’m writing. I hope that means I will use the blog to warm up and lure you into creating a Malakoa fan club, complete with a forum for fans that passionately argue with each other about potential interpretations and gush over my transparency and honesty despite all of my sufferings. Yeah. Do that.

My sister in law in here and things are going very well, at least on my side of the room. She is very cute with her new short hair cut and was very sweet. She played with my daughter and after she and hubo went up to be, we stayed and chatted into the night. Pleasant.

So pleasant I went ahead and ate twice as much Coconut Bliss as everyone else and a Coconut Cupcake with a ton of frosting, and a ton of frosting. Buttercream with real butter and a hint of blue food coloring to differentiate between that and the Earth Balance frosting. It was like my nervous energy was suppressed until she left, then it was free to reign. I’m sure I’ve gained. My tummy feels flabby – a word I have never used to describe myself before. I feel as if it’s all back. I can’t relax in to the comfort of being overweight any more, because I find I’ve preferred being “lean”. I don’t like the words “fat” or “skinny” because they are so critical and so charged. You don’t use “skinny” to talk about a girl you find beautiful. In my experience, “fat” is not so wonderful of a descriptor either. I like lean – it reminds me of a race horse. Strong, powerful, glossy hair and well cared for nails. I would like that to describe me. Once a UC Berkeley football player told me I had legs like a race horse and I really liked that. “Overweight” hurts. The world famous psychiatrist described me as, “overweight” in his description of me and it stung. I didn’t do anything about becoming a healthy weight, but I didn’t like it. Years later, I’m no longer, in T’s words, hiding behind “a mound of fat”. I have an ordinary body now. Well, that’s not entirely true. I have an especially designed body, and I have more say over how it works and looks now than I did then. I wasn’t eating to gain weight, I was eating because I was hungry, or because Small was hungry. Or I was nervous or sad. There are always reasons to eat. I’m paring down those options, and that is why I am slim. “Slim” is not my favorite word to describe a body, either. “Slim” reminds me of a “slim volume” or “Virginia Slims”. I’m still wearing Lane Bryant Clothes. This surprises me, but my mom says that I was wearing my clothes too tight. So it’s a size 8 pair of Calvin Jeans, and a size 14/16 sweater. I have lost two cup sizes, so I’m a tad confused on how that can be so. When I lost all that weight training and completing the tri-athlon I wore an eight on the bottom and a 12 on the top. Maybe it’s my shoulders.


What goes on inside me while I exercise. And ADD tales.

Every other day I do this exercise routine.  It comes from Dan John (danjohn.org) whose favorite habit is to destroy someone physically.  He also has scads of integrity and  credibility.  There is one exercise, the “get-ups” that is killer.  Look here to see what I’m talking about.

Why should you care?  First of all, go ahead and try this exercise without any weight.  If you can do it easily, you’re awesome.  Now go get some weight and try it again.  This is probably the most difficult exercise I’ve ever done, and I’m doing it, every other day.  I’ve been at it for two weeks and there is already a notable change.

I was setting up for one of the “ups” (I do them slightly different than the women in the videos).  I looked to the ground to make sure it was clear.  I had already done this twice, there was no need to check.  I think it’s’ the OCD showing through.  Anyway, I checked and it was fine of course.  I completed the rep with little problem. 

Then came my last set.  I decided to try to do two, right in a row.  I looked around and reminded myself if I dropped the weight, it would go to the side so I wouldn’t get hurt.

When I lifted the weight, my arm buckled and gave way. 

I had given myself permission to fail. 

Now, I’m not a good athlete.  Chances are I work out more than you do, but I don’t catch on well, I have to have things explained to me over and over and over again.  I talked about my physical disabilities in a previous blog and I’m not in the mood to go over them again, but I have physical as well as mental challenges.  This time I psyched myself out.  I physically could do what I wanted to do, I just mentally wouldn’t let myself.  I picked up the weight and did it all again like I wanted to before.  It was hard, but I did it.

Lately, I feel like I have a lean body inside of me.  I know I’ve said it before but I’m really growing adamant.  “Malakoa,”  I say crossly to myself, “If you would just stop it with all the junk food, you might have some good luck shedding the extra weight.”  It’s not just vanity, but it does play a part in it.  I have all of this weight in belly fat, the most dangerous kind.  And I have high cholesterol.  Just a little high, but still.

So, I was having this stern talk with myself, telling myself to be better about what I ate when I stumbled upon Small’s Halloween candy.  Mr. M hid it so we wouldn’t eat it.  I found it two days ago and at a bunch of it.  And today, in the middle of my stern lecture, I ate even more.

This is not going to work the way I’m going at it.  I’m just not sure what would.

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Another day off the Vyvanse.  I feel fine, but I’m noticing that I’m not focusing like I could before.  I can focus on writing, but other thoughts are floating through my head.  No matter how hard I try, I have other things in mind.  This is me no matter what I do or say.  I’m typing my blog, I’m thinking about rants running through mazes.  I’m cooking, I’m thinking about how I need to color my hair, I’m at church, I’m totally restless and want to get up and leave.  These are three things I love to do and I can’t “just” do them, I’m all over the place.

But when I’m not all over the place, I’m not me.  My thoughts are dull.  My experiences, especially time alone with my husband, are more intense, but it is difficult for me to switch gears.  If I’m trying to do something I can’t answer a question about something else.  I wasn’t able to be creative, it’s like my thoughs were in a box.  Now, sometimes, it feels like they are in a hamster wheel.  Getting to sleep is not difficult, but it’s like a ticker-tape parade going on.  It’s like that everytime I try to clear or calm my thoughts.

I did take yoga.  In fact, my first yoga class was in 1994, thank you very much.  I’m not a mindless trendiod like you think.  Just because I like scrapbooking.  Anyway, I appreciate the work it takes to clear my mind and believe it is worth it.  There are other times, however, where it’s better just to let them go.  I can sleep with them going strong.  I can write most of the time.  There are times it will be difficult, I imagine school might be, but I can always go back on the meds.  I haven’t had trouble reading but I had trouble comprehending a lot of things.  I had to re-read paragraphs, even pages while I was on the drugs.

One think I’ve learned is songs running through my head can be a very good thing.  Today I was replaying some resentment I had re: my brother’s ex-girlfriend.  She was as phoney as all get out, and a general thorn in my side.  She is gone, out of the picture, and he is married to someone else.  Thank God.  Anyway, my ruminations were making me really angry.  Songs, however, generally don’t do that.  I whistle a happy tune, one with sentimental meanings, or just one I enjoy and that replaces my anger and frustration.  Most of the time.

I totally and completely believe that some people, including some children, should take medicine for their ADHD.  I hope that I’m not discouraging you from the decisions you make with your doctor.  If you’ll see things you don’t like, then work with your doc to find something that works for you.  I’m not saying that the meds aren’t helpful.  They were, but for me, I didn’t have trouble controlling impulses, it wasn’t causing me to do things I regret or interfering with every day life.  If you do, you may want to consider something like Vyvanse.  There are a lot of options and I exercised them.  They weren’t my first choice, but they did do a lot for me.  And of course, if you don’t like the effect, you can try something new.