Tag Archives: therapy

I’ve Got a Rock

I’ve got a rock in my belly in the form of a Devil’s Food Glazed Doughnut. Why did I do it? I do not know. But it’s too late to undo.

I spent the morning with Dr. RH, PhD. We discussed important things and not so much important things. First of all, she wanted to know about Marriage Counseling by Dr. PP, PhD. I told her it felt productive. I asked some questions about the way the brain is made, and did she think it was possible bipolar was caused by brain damage found in the amygdala, the emotional center of the brain. She said probably not and that we will never know. If there is a problem with the brain, it is probably caused my the neuro-transmitters faulty firing.

She asked about my goals in our one-on-one therapy and she gave me a Career Assessment Inventory. I’m going to bring it back and she’ll send it to the company so they can process it. I’m also to organize my business paperwork and bring it so she can see it.

Personal goals in therapy and relationships and life:
Think before I speak and speak kindly
Take care of my body with exercise, yoga and thoughtful eating
Support and love and care for my family – help them work towards making all their dreams come true.
Find meaningful, productive work and do it diligently- consider whether the book will qualify and if so, when?
Be able to follow Jesus by following principles he put in to place.
Organize tangible things in such a way I can find them and use them later.
Make beautiful things that people are happy to see.

More later.

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Why I am Not Running Away

This is a draft of a letter I am going to send to my (ex) therapist. Please leave feedback in comments.


J –
Thanks for calling me back the other day. I am sorry about the mis-communication regarding our last meeting. I hope to straighten things out a bit.

I suppose I’ll start from the end. I felt judged many times in our sessions and perhaps I should have been more forthcoming about that. Being told you did not want me to “run away” from my problem was a highly judgmental statement. I am not running away from anything, I just feel like our relationship has not been as nourishing as counselor and therapists could be. During sessions I spent a lot of time waiting for you to say something that felt New-Agey. I respect your beliefs but I do not share them and often felt proselytized. I feel that, if I have a spiritual issue I will discuss it with a pastor or even just a friend from my church. The more I thought about it I did feel offended by our last session, not for the sake of my own views, but the idea that we’re all worshiping one God and all headed to the same place. If Christians believe they are going to a place where the streets are paved with gold, they cannot have a life looking forward to reincarnation, as Hindus do. Muslims and Christians do share a similar version of heaven, but the same cannot be said of Buddhists. I think my comment about Buddhism being an atheist religion was what spurred our discussion. I should have said Buddhism is a non-theistic religion. I read recently that, for those of the Buddhist faith, there is no need for God when you have Enlightenment. This concept is not found in other belief systems. I remembering you said once that we will all return to the earth. This reminds me of Wiccan teachings, a religion I once explored. While Muslims believe something like coming from and returning to the earth, I think it is incongruous to believe in all belief systems and allow all of us to ultimately to arrive at the same place.

I often felt on edge during our times together. I didn’t (and perhaps do not) have the tools to address that, but I frequently felt uneasy during our sessions. It seemed like you were ready to try to solve things or assumed you knew things about me that (I hope) were not true. One time I came in with news about my old “enemies” who are doing quite well. Your comment, “Don’t you hate that?” was premature. Other responses felt like pat answers to, what I considered, difficult or complicated issues. I spoke about it with you then, in fact I addressed it then, but again, I didn’t feel like I could bring in issues like that.

As far as processing all of this, I have spoken at length with my husband. I do not feel it would be necessarily or valuable to spend an hour going over these things again. I hope you do not feel cheated by this. I hold nothing against you personally and wish you the best. I did often find your work to be insightful and know you are a popular, caring therapist, but ultimately I believe that we are probably better fitted to other working relationships. I wish you the best.

Malakoa.


If getting angry at her (PG)

“If getting angry at Malakoa did any good, she’d be cured by now.” So says my father to my mother. So he gets mad at me too, huh? I didn’t know. I get mad a lot, especially at my mother. It is something to realize your family is angry at you a good portion of the time. It’s not something I can do anything about, though. I’m always going to be at least somewhat like I am now. Some of it is bipolar, some of it is my sparkling personality.

I think I hate facebook and I’m thinking I am going to quit. There, I said it. It’s because I over analyze things. For example, an old friend remarried. She and I are no longer close, but she’s stayed in touch with a couple of our old friends. They were very close. They were IN the first wedding. She posted her wedding pictures and the friends were not in it. I have become a tad obsessed with why… It is strange to wonder why they wouldn’t even be at her event. I can’t pm her about it because I wished I didn’t care.

Here is my latest issue, though. There is this girl who was in Small’s class last year. We’ll call her Morgan. Morgan is very well behaved and received many accolades because of it. As for my daughter, that’s not how we roll. She doesn’t run in line, she explains to me, she skips in line. She is put next to the naughtiest boy in the class and the two of them jabber on and on. Personally, I like the girl and her mom and wanted to invite her to her birthday party. Small was jealous so we didn’t. Too bad, I liked talking to the mom.

On her facebook she posted that she went sailing at Paradise Point…. with the evil LN….

Now, I know that LN is yapping about me. She does that, there is nothing I can do about it. It’s her nature. She is not likely to change. I do not want to be friends with her anymore and I wish my old therapist who moved to San Diego was here to help me process all of that. He was good about it. The current therapist is not. We’ll get to her in a minute.

Anyway, I’m mostly fine about LN. I do not feel betrayed because there is nothing for me to be betrayed about. I knew this was the way she was and for a while (like, a year) I believed there were really legitimate things wrong with the people she talked about. I’m sure a good percentage of the mommies hear what she said and think differently about others because of it. The more they get to know her, though, the more they have got to clue in on her distorted view of the world.

I had a boyfriend who did that. I don’t want to get in to it right now.

Anyway, I’m really trying to stay away from LN. Not necessarily avoiding her, but definitely not seeking her out. I make no effort to find her after school, or go out and see her while our kids are playing in the culdesac. I’m done. Really. I didn’t defriend her, but I blocked her wall from showing up and am just SO OVER IT.

Sure, yeah right.

So, Morgan’s mom has her own Facebook page. That’s how I found out about the sailing. So what, you say, ignorant of my love of water and dreams of sailing. One of my dreams is to go sailing. I went once when I was as little girl, but I hardly remember it. I want to go so much! It’s a dream. I’ve come close to getting to go. Once was in the late nineties. We were going with above boyfriend’s parents, but the weather was ugly, thunder and lightening. We didn’t get to go. Later my husband’s friend at work had a boat and we were supposed to go one weekend but there was some kind of mis-communication so we didn’t. Two close calls. I wouldn’t even know how to go about getting to do it.

I wrote the first part of this post yesterday. I feel pretty over it, now. I’ll get to sail one day, but today is not that day and tomorrow is not that day either.

* * * *

Weight Loss. I put on a pair of my husband’s shorts and a tight brown t-shirt. I don’t look nearly as lumpy as I did in a great big grey shirt from a few months ago. It was nice. No one told me nicely to go upstairs and change.

I’ve lost 28 pounds. We got a great big bunch of candy from the pinata at a little girl’s birthday party and I’ve been munching away. We’ll see how that shows up on Tuesday.

* * * *

I think I’m getting a new therapist. Last time for some reason she went off on this tangent about religion and Gods and god and how all religions really worship only one God. Oh yeah, that’s what I did: I told her that Buddhism is an atheist religion. Every one I know raised in the faith does not believe in God. They don’t worship a great big ol’ God, they worship their ancestors. She didn’t like that because I think she thought I was “judging”. I am so flippin’ tired of the whole principal of “judging.” Of course I don’t want to “judge” other people, I don’t know what they’ve been through any more than they know what I’ve been through. If I’m going to be berated for my beliefs, what is the point of being “non-judgmental”? We slid through Hinduism. I think a true Hindu would be pretty offended to be told they worshiped only one God, when there are thousands of Gods. After her minor diatribe, resulting in a deadly ethnocentric interpretation of world religions, stating that ultimately, all religions worshiped one God. Now, I have heard that every path leads to heaven. (Like all road lead to Rome.) But I think this is different. To say there is one God that everyone worships requires a twisting of faiths I am not comfortable. I can see how the “all paths” might even be a necessity for a therapist, but the way she arrived at that deduction is what troubles me.

She loves Eckhart Tolle, I’ve seen videos of him. His m.o. is living in the moment. I have no problem with that. It’s a good idea. Nothing controversial there. His books, on the other hand, are the lost leading the lost. He twists scripture from major religions to point out they are all talking about the same thing. This can’t e true. If it was true, they would have more, real life similarities. There are lots of Tolle critics on the internet, but many of them haven’t read any of his books or seen his videos. I saw a video, I read as much of his book as I could stand. A critic “call(ed) his ideas and looping ways with language New Age twaddle.” I still don’t feel like I qualify as a critic…. that said, when people say things about all paths go to the same place it usually means to me that they have not examined the directions. I know there are many folks who are on one path and criticize openly and loudly the people on another. They usually criticize a path they don’t know anything about and are not likely to find out more. I’m not an expert on world religion, but I have studied enough to believe every American Buddhist I’ve known has been an atheist. She said that they were Buddhists in one right and atheists in another. No. That is not what I said, saw or understood. She said after that if she offended me she didn’t mean to and that she usually doesn’t discuss spiritual things with her patients. I am glad to hear that. There was a point earlier in our relationship I almost told her I didn’t want to touch spirituality with her at all. I already knew she and I differed greatly in our beliefs. I can’t just let it roll over my back. My friend, CH said that I had an “intense” faith. I had great, long-term relationships with two therapists that did not have the same spiritual practices or beliefs. Honestly, it just never came up and there was no desire to correct or adjust my “intense” beliefs. I did not break my back trying to share the Four Spiritual Laws with them, either. In fact, I almost didn’t keep going to the first one because she wrote I was, “preoccupied with religious pursuits.” It turned out not to be a problem.

But I’m sensing this is different. If anyone can help pinpoint the problem, I would love to hear from you. I’m leaning towards finding someone else. Let me know.