Tag Archives: Weight Loss

The Overweight Housewife

9 days…. after setting a goal of writing every day.

I went to the grocery store today. I’m usually friendly, let the person with less groceries in his cart go ahead. The grocery store line is not so interesting. I haven’t felt good – my insides are turning themselves inside out and I ate about 1/2 of a bag of Cheetos so that grease was lubricating a pipe where my whole grains, strawberries and freshly pressed pineapple juice could block up and pass through. Disgusting, so what?

Anyway there is a point to this post. Waiting in line I decided to stand behind the groceries. The man behind me, dressed in a burgundy pressed dress shirt and shiny black shoes, was getting off work and getting something for his dinner. I thought to myself, He thinks he’s getting extra points in good citizenship land if he gives the overweight housewife instructions on how to check out in a grocery store she has been in a thousand times.

I felt pretty bad about myself. Then I remembered –

I’m not overweight anymore. So what if I was? I’d still deserve some help – even if I looked Valliumed-out. And what if I was “just” a housewife. It’s something an innumerably number of families work thier bottoms off to have – it’s called a “full-time mom” these days anyway. And I’m not “just” a housewife. I’m an artist who regularly sells her work and I’m a writer.

But if I were just a “full-time mom” that would be okay, too. I respect and love many “full-time moms”. I don’t know why I think it’s beneath me.


I found the solution

It’s April. I started dieting December of 2010. I have lost about 33 pounds. If I lose four more I will qualify for Lifetime Membership, which means I met a goal weight and don’t have to pay $40 a month anymore. I’ve talked about this before, but I have quite a new new readers, so I’ll tell it again.

At 207 pounds I thought I was probably about fifteen/twenty pounds over weight. I took funny pictures of myself looking sad eyed at the camera. I was pretty fat, but not all that fat, I thought.

I lost fifteen pounds and I was excited! That calls for New Pictures! Imagine, to my astonishment, I was not only still fat, I was still very fat. The weight began to creep off and I did (most) everything right. I tracked my meals on eTools program, exercised some, and showed up to meetings. (As of press I have missed two meetings in almost 2 1/2 years.) I got down to 173. And it stayed there. Every week I was either up a pound, stayed the same, or down .2. This has gone on for months now and I’m tired of it. I know how I lose weight: Follow the Weight Watcher’s Program. I will do that, guzzle water, counting points of everything I eat and exercise.

But wait, there is more. It’s warm out and I really wanted a cold drink, like a freddo from Pete’s. I decided to save a dollar and go to McDonalds. Shamrock Shakes are here for just a little while, and I have good memories of a friend who has fallen by the wayside, and Shamrock Shakes. While I was there, I’d get a “Mini Meal” A hamburger, french friends and Diet Coke. (For the record, Diet Coke and mood disorders usually don’t mix. I popped an Ativan just to get through it.) They did not have Shamrock Shakes.

Bait your breath no longer: I managed to find another milk shake. It was good – I sucked it down. It had 2/3 of my Weight Watcher Points Plus for that day and I am pretty sure the hamburger and french fries knocked the rest of them out of the park.

Why would I do such a thing? I am so close to my goal and, when I am asked if I’d like fries with that, my answer is, low and breathy, “yes, oh yes.”

Here some of the reasons I might do such a thing:

I prefer being fat – As T so elegantly put it I want to hide under a huge mound of fat.

I don’t want to reach my goal. I’d rather have the life of gobbling whatever it is that I want, anywhere or time than I want than that of health and wellness.

I hate myself and am going to let my body know it through a steady diet of junk.

I’m afraid of being thin or attractive.

I don’t want to succeed at this or anything else. Keep me plain, chubby, unaccomplished. It’s easier this way. Except for it’s not easier. I could have popped in to Trader Joe’s and got any of their deli lunches. It would have taken about the same time as it did for me to go through two drive-thru menus. Being destructive is a chore with physics on its side. Being constructive needs creativity and planning. I am creative. Sometimes it is difficult to put this creativity in motion. It’s like words that catch my ear and sound beautiful. It’s like a just right jar of red paint – on clearance. Maybe if I saw my body as an act of art I would take better care of it.

I want a tattoo that says, “TOSKA” except for in Cyrillic. I won’t get one. He says they are too expensive and that it would be even more expensive when I decided I didn’t want it anymore. He won’t get one either.

“Toska – noun /ˈtō-skə/ – Russian word roughly translated as sadness, melancholia, lugubriousness.

“No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for somebody of something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom.”
― Vladimir Nabokov

I’ve Got a Rock

I’ve got a rock in my belly in the form of a Devil’s Food Glazed Doughnut. Why did I do it? I do not know. But it’s too late to undo.

I spent the morning with Dr. RH, PhD. We discussed important things and not so much important things. First of all, she wanted to know about Marriage Counseling by Dr. PP, PhD. I told her it felt productive. I asked some questions about the way the brain is made, and did she think it was possible bipolar was caused by brain damage found in the amygdala, the emotional center of the brain. She said probably not and that we will never know. If there is a problem with the brain, it is probably caused my the neuro-transmitters faulty firing.

She asked about my goals in our one-on-one therapy and she gave me a Career Assessment Inventory. I’m going to bring it back and she’ll send it to the company so they can process it. I’m also to organize my business paperwork and bring it so she can see it.

Personal goals in therapy and relationships and life:
Think before I speak and speak kindly
Take care of my body with exercise, yoga and thoughtful eating
Support and love and care for my family – help them work towards making all their dreams come true.
Find meaningful, productive work and do it diligently- consider whether the book will qualify and if so, when?
Be able to follow Jesus by following principles he put in to place.
Organize tangible things in such a way I can find them and use them later.
Make beautiful things that people are happy to see.

More later.

Just Married! (For ten years)

I’m up and down.  Therapy is going well and my husband and I are going to go to marital counseling and he is cool with it.  Last time we had any sort of family therapy the social worker said she’d never met such resistance.  There wasn’t resistance, it’s just that my husband is shy and very private I  keep some things to myself. I’ll participate in therapeutic groups, but I am guarded.   My new psychologist pointed out that every time she tried to steer things about my marriage I guided that boat away.  I went to a counselor and I didn’t bring my husband up for over a year and she respected that.  Not exactly relevant and we will see how therapy goes.  We have been on three dates in the last two and a half.  It’s kind of ridiculous.  If I’m not on top of things we don’t spend any time alone at all.  Ah, I’m complaining.  

I wonder if you read the Break (the blog entry above this one).  I may do the yoga tonight as prescribed and I really hope I do.  It’s the only time I feel in control.  I don’t know how spending 30 minutes  doing one thing effects your whole day.  I have a good idea how a pill or a drink do, though.  It might be the same with the exercise.  I’m sure there are people I could ask (hello, Hubo?) but I don’t want to know.  Not now anyway.  I feel like I need to get my lifer in order.  I just realized that I say that all the time, and that I do not know what it means.  It meant getting my weight under control and reading my Bible.  It’s time to re-evaluate.  I don’t know exactly where to start.  My work book given to me by my therapist is about automatic thoughts and emotions and how to look at things reasonably.  I’m not so great about that, but everyone has a place to start, right?  The psychologist said I was better off than a lot of her other clients.  I did creative things, had good organizational skills and worked towards getting well.  A lot of hers just lay on the couch and watch t.v. all the time.  I remind myself of this.  It is possible for me to be better, but my life is worth living.  I just want more from it

Yes, thirty-four

If I didn’t have a tracking sheet, I wouldn’t believe it either, but I have lost thirty-four pounds in just over a year.  I did it slowly, ate a Cadbury egg or few and enjoyed some Five Guys fries.  All that to lose thirty-four pounds.  I have four to go before I am considered a “Life Time Member”.  That means you stay on Weight Watchers, track your food, go to meetings and read the little magazines they call, “weeklies” ever day for the rest of your life.  If you don’t do that, you will get fat again, gain all your weight back and then some and wind up back at Weight Watchers again, only you pay again.

As much as I hate to say it, I love Weight Watchers.  I like the consistency, the community and I like really, seriously losing weight.  I lost about ten pounds on South Beach and I did it quickly.  Then I forgot I was on a diet.  I was a vegetarian for ethical reasons and that didn’t change my weight at all.  I tried serious portion control, but honestly, who was I kidding?  Weight Watchers makes you track, which means you write down everything you eat and how much.  Sure, you can lie about it, but it’s like a toupee, you’re not fooling anyone but yourself.  (Suddenly reminded of seventh grade science teacher who went from salt and pepper to jet black hair.  We approached him, “Mr Carlin, something about you looks different but I can’t put a finger on it….  is that a new tie?)

So we’re tracking, and we’re eating the “Power Foods” and lots of vegetables.  That’s not enough, though, and you knew it wasn’t going to be that simple.  They want you to exercise.  Lots of things count, like house work and walking.   I don’t track house work, and you know if you should or shouldn’t.  If vacuuming makes you huffy and puffy, by all means, track it.  If you can do that with ease, be honest with yourself and don’t.  Go for a walk at the very least.

My mom only makes herself go to meetings if she gains.  I think that is one of the stupidest ideas ever.  I know a lot of people do well with Weight Watcher’s online and I think that is fantastic.  My mother couldn’t do that.  She doesn’t really track so much, although she does walk and hike.  I don’t know what the deal is but she doesn’t want to be involved.  She goes sporadically, it works sporadically.  

It helps me, shy girl that I once was, to have a friend.  T comes almost every week.  She’s lost 19 pounds and she’s done, but she still goes to the meeting and tells me that seven doughnuts at a go are not good ideas.  I have buddies at the meeting to.  We look for each other and are happy when we’re down .5 and tell each a gain of .8 is just a bottle of water.  It’s cool to see people lose and keep losing.  

I know there is nothing in the world that is for everybody.  WW can’t work for everyone, but it works for a lot of people.  They say “If you really work it, it really works, if you sort of work it, it sort of works.”  I’m had sorta works weeks and that is okay.  I want more of work it weeks.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

Oh!  If you’re in to that sort of thing, my daughter is making cards with me (or I with her?) for any occasion.  Easter is in a month, and I bet grandma would love a card!  PM me if you are interested.  

Did you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world?

There are so many ways to self-sabotage. Here are ones I’ve tried today alone, regarding weight loss. I am also going to go ahead and tell my coconut cream story, too. It’s one of those stories that is only funny because you know something about Weight Watchers, so I’ll try and fill the more fortunate of you in on the game.

For breakfast, I ate an English muffin with butter and about 1/2 inch of coffee. I fixed it up with half and half and the only sugary Torani syrup we have. I was late to Weight Watchers, and that shows I lack commitment, but since I have been late exactly once since I started thirteen months ago I will give myself a break.

So I blew in, wet hair and all, and listened to excuses about why people choose not to exercise. I kept my mouth shut, but I am of the, “just don’t want to” set. I worked out twice last week and that was enough for me, although my husband does not agree.

The leader, Lottie, let me tell my funny weight loss story. First I will tell you this: Diet comes down to points. You get 27 points a day and 49 points plus a week to use as you wish. Some people have an extra serving of spaghetti or splurge on a big ol’ bowl of frozen yogurt. I use them almost every week. I either eat 31 points a day (four over) or spend a day out eating moderately at a wedding reception and having a slice of cake. (I was going to say, having a bite or two of cake, but really, who am I fooling?). My beloved father came to visit me last week and brought me this coconut cream. Two small cans. I opened one and ate the two tablespoons allotted. They were pretty good – nice and firm. Although it was room temperature the texture was like a banana. I went ahead and had another two tablespoons. Delicious. So I decided to eat the whole can. This made everyone laugh – but no, I said to my fellow fat warriors – that’s not the punch line! After polishing off the can, I went a plugged everything on the eTools Weight Watchers page. Keep in mind that 49 points are to last you a week. You get 27 a day. The calculations on the delectable can of coconut cream?

Fifty-one points.

I am not kidding. Regardless of that I lost ONE pound last week. For me, struggling with the last (now four!) pounds, that kind of loss is exceptional. I gained through out December and January. Not a ton, but enough. These last ten pounds keep teasing me and playing with me. I am not enjoying the game, but I sure enjoy having an ass that can fit down a slide and not feeling ashamed to be introduced to my husband’s personal training consorts.

One more thing you can do for yourself is buy a Cadbury egg for both your daughter and yourself. Also, buy a Cadbury Chocolate Egg and a caramel one so you can find out how they taste. I don’t even want to thing about the point’s count.

The title of this entry is dedicated my my friend – Peridot. She is tough as nails and soft as Alpaca. She is a brave mama and a smart cookie. The whole weight loss adventure has nothing to do with her journey; I just wanted to give her a shout out and maybe get some of y’all to pray for her.

As if life itself is not a series of disappointments

I want to be one of those “yes, yes” and “no, no” kind of people. Look at the Sermon on the Mount, “All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” I want to say “yes” and everyone to know I mean it. I want my “no” to be of the same ilk. Yes. No. No, “I swear” not even, “I promise”. “Yes”, “No.” That’s it.

I am disagreeing with someone important here. He thinks that disappointment is part of life, and that a kiddo should get used to it. I think there is truth to that, but I also think it is a person’s responsibility to keep, not only to their promises, but their word. You don’t talk up a trip to Disney World, or a puppy or anything to a ten year old without following through. It’s wrong, it’s a lie. And it’s ugly. The kid learns disappointment, as if life itself is not a series of disappointments, and the child learns not to trust anyone. Trust is given freely by children, as babies they trust their mommies will come when they are called for. As toddlers they learn the floor doesn’t move. As they get older, they realize some people will not tell them the truth, and that, despite other’s best efforts, that plans fall through. Disappointment comes organically, why should that net be thrown by your parents?

I think that has to be all for today. I’m headed to Weight Watchers, and I have watched my weight faithfully this week. I didn’t track my food, I ate viciously (I think, like I said, I didn’t track it.) and exercised twice. I am getting tired of this whole dieting regime, even though I know it’s worth it. Did you know, after thirty two pounds I am still at size 14? I can still shop at Fat Lady stores while I am five pounds away from “goal”. I guess it doesn’t matter. I look fine in them, and I’m not wearing a sash that says, “#1 Non-Fat Woman of Lane Bryant”. My mother says that I may have worn at fourteen before, but it was way too tight. Whatever, mother.